moving out and the emotional baggage that comes with it.
i don't even know where to start. everytime i think that it'll get better or be manageable atleast, it just keeps getting worse.
to give you all a little context, my family has been very dysfunctional. i had a horrible relationship with my mother, it was abusive both mentally and physically. she unfortunately ended up passing away when I was 11.
through all this, my relationship with my father was considerably better. yes, he wasn't very present but he was my "safe space" because only he could protect me from my mother's temper. to be honest it was quite counter intuitive because him not taking her side is what made her take out all her frustration on me.
anyhoo, my relationship with my father started deteriorating pretty quick after she passed. it's just so complicated between him and I that i just don't know how to describe it.
i also have a brother who is 6 years younger to me. he is the best and honestly feels like a blessing in the midst of all this chaos. we have a pretty good relationship if I say so myself. I love him to the extent where i couldn't even contemplate suicide because of how much I felt like I owe it to him to stay. i can't imagine abandoning him.
I'm 24 right now and things have been pretty fucked overall. relationships, friendships, family, career, you name it.
although I'm working at a pretty stable job right now that pays me enough to look after myself, it's sucking whatever little will I have to live. but it pays the bills. so i can't complain.
if i save up a majority of what i earn, I'll have enough to figure things out in case I do move out to a different city.
i desperately want to move out but saying that things are complicated is an understatement.
• i can't move out into a different area of my city because relatives are everywhere. not that I want to go no contact but i wouldn't have a solid reason to live by myself.
• I'm thinking of moving to a different city but I'm working in sales right now and my resume is all over the place. I'm not sure if I'll be able to earn enough there to make ends meet.
• i genuinely don't know what to do in life. I'm not a very academically driven person. i was very keen to take up culinary arts but my father was hellbent on not making it happen.
i was thinking of taking up a certification in the same field. i could probably think of taking it up full-time too but i know that the pay is shit for freshers in that field and the last thing I want to do is to end up back home because I have nowhere else to go.
above all this, i feel so fucking shitty and guilty about the fact that I'd be leaving my brother in this hellhole to deal with my father's bullshit all alone by himself.
i just can't reason with it.
I'm genuinely clueless about what it is that I have to do.
i don't know where to go from here