Long, stupid question but im in a really big dillemma
Can you somehow placebo yourself into getting ocd?????? Because i mustve have googled if i have ocd or not atleast a hundred times now. And after i got my answers i would close off all the tabs and go "nah everybody goes through this to some extent i better not self diagnose" because i obviously dont want to fake having ocd and minimize a real fucking problem that people with an actual disorder go through
BUT THEN id open the tabs again a few weeks later because in my head, i cant really justify being this sad unless I have a legitimate reason. Everything in my life is fine so it feels silly that im this miserable. And ocd is a legitimate disorder, so maybe if i could clutch onto it, i could finally feel VALID. But then i close the tabs again because i dont want to use mental illness as an excuse to bypass responsibility ykwim?
And this cycle of opening and shutting down this line of thought just kept on happening. ITS STILL HAPPENING WHICH IS WHY IM ON THIS GODDAMN SUB😭 But i swear it feels like with every google search, i just got. Weirder. Almost as if i had unconsciously diagnosed myself of having ocd so i would almost. Purposely obsess over things????? Like after learning about moral scrupulosity, every single negative experience ended with me thinking "im a terrible person and ppl just dont know it". I had this exact thought before too but it wasnt THIS intense/frequent ykwim?
But at the same time this thought doesnt feel exactly intrusive either? Its more of a deep rooted belief. So again i dont really know.
I dont have access to therapy since its really expensive but im thinking i might just save up and finally clear this out. But before doing that i guess i just wanted to feel like i wasnt alone, or that im not being crazy. Maybe I AM being crazy but i just dont know 🧍♀️. If youve read this post uptill now, thank you so much. This post is more of a rant honestly. I just really wanted to get these off my shoulders. So I really appreciate you reading it.