The Dreaded Question: “How are you?”
I was asked this question at the beginning of a visit with a clinical practitioner the other day. Once it was asked I felt myself tense up immediately and found myself wondering afterwards about why this particular question always seems to cause me a negative internal reaction. I don’t say this to be mean or rude. After all, people ask this question of each other every day - it’s intended to engage someone in conversation and find out how they’re doing, right? For me, not so much. When I am asked “How are you?” my brain starts to scan for what kind of reaction or response the person asking it is actually looking for. Do they really want to know how I am? Do I give a short, normal ‘fine’ answer? Or do I tell them how I ‘really’ am. My experience is that most people don’t want to hear it. Society has gotten used to these types of questions and the majority seem to want the quick ‘canned’ answers. So when someone asks me “How are you?” I dread it because I know I’m either going to have to choose them (i.e. give them the typical socially acceptable response OR share something I don’t want to share but they want to know about). Or I’m going to have to choose me and say what I really feel like saying: “I’m actually having a shit day” or “I’m really struggling with my nervous system right now and feel super un-regulated” or “I was reading this cool book about the meaning of life the other day and…..”. <insert neurotypical eye roll here>. Either way, I lose. The norm for me when I’m asked “How are you” is to simply say ‘okay’. Because it’s pretty basically much how I feel. I know the one-word response makes me seem distant or reserved. But honestly, this one word answer is the only amount of energy I have to give to this question. And, I am just so fucking exhausted from trying to conform.