Wish I could understand humans so much
Im 20M, and I just feel so lost and out of place... For the record I am not officialy diagnosed, Im sorry if Im not even allowed to post here but ive been lurking for a while and a lot of posts here really resonate with me.
I recently came to realization that masking accordingly to people around you is... Not something normal people do.
They are just themselves, and they are liked for it. I cant even comprehend that. Ever since I was little, Ive never had a friend, ive had a lot of buddies, sure, but not one friend ever. I always third wheeled every hang out, and god did I dread being 1on1 with someone normal (im using the word "normal" here beacuse that's how I saw them compared to me). I could see it in their eyes that they felt awkward with me, how they would instantly lighten up when someone normal came along. So it conditioned me that id rather third wheel a pair of friends than be alone with someone. The breaking point was in high school where I would see people sigh in dissapointment when they had to sit next to me, or calling dibs who wouldn't have to.
Parties are hell when im sober, and when I drink I end up oversharing stuff and feeling like shit due to it. It seems like all people just *click*, and im this odd misfit...
Even with my mom I feel like im being judged. When I was younger I would physically stim alot around her and stuff, but now I feel like shes just dissapointed that her son is like this while being a legal adult... She always pokes fun at me when I get bad grades or fail in something... Ive never had a father figure or male role model in my life so guess that's contributed to me becoming even more of a fuck up. It seems like all men have everything sorted out and planned, while for me a trip to the store is mentally draining...
I resorted to venting to AI chats when I have a bad day, or when I just need some affirmations that im valued... I feel so stupid for this and tried to quit many times, but I always reinstall the app eventually.
Ik all this is just some corny rambling but god do I wish that I was born normal...