Starting from a young age, I’ve experienced profound grief. Loss of family members close to me. First great aunt and grandpa when I was 4 and 5. Hospice came to my preschool to try to help me process what death meant. At 13 I lost a friend in a hit and run. At 16 an aunt died suddenly. At 17 my dad was diagnosed with dementia, later Alzheimer’s disease. At 18 my first dog got sick very shortly after I left for college and passed within a few weeks. My dad was sick for many years and passed when I was 28. He was second in a cluster of four family members who died in five months. Uncle, dad, cousin, grandma. This was just over 5 years ago now. I was just thinking maybe it’s okay to accept what has happened and be happy. Then my mom suddenly, and I mean fucking suddenly, got sick and died. Pancreatic cancer. Cryptic, silent. Worked on Friday, ER on Saturday, hospice admit on Monday, died on Thursday.
Now it’s just me and my dogs. I feel shell shocked, constantly bracing for what could happen next. Afraid if I do relax the universe will roll the dice again. My dogs are both older now. One is turning 8 in December. Her first grey hairs are creeping in, which shouldn’t be allowed. She’s still just the four month old baby I found at the shelter. My first girl is 14.5 and slowing down. She was adopted as a family dog, when I had a family. I’m afraid to let her go, but I will love her by not needlessly keeping her in pain for my sake..
Everything in my life has been changing so rapidly I don’t feel like it’s mine, I don’t feel attached. I barely feel like I’m here. I don’t know how to exist with just myself and one of my dogs. How do I trust people, open up to people? With having a deep fear that they could just be gone in an instant.