I (41F) am trying to get over feelings for my husband’s (45M) friend.
Over the last few years, my husband and I have been close to another couple to the point where our families are very enmeshed. He is friends with the husband, let’s call him T. I’m friends with the wife, and kids are friends. I value them all a lot and they’ve really helped us feel settled and happy in this community we moved to later in life. My husband and I also have a pretty happy marriage, although the romance/spark is stale. We do date still and we are trying things to keep things fresh, but it’s been a work in progress.
T is definitely an overall friendly person, but some time ago, he began focusing a little more attention on me. I won’t go into details, but I believe he is flirting. Sometimes it feels more obvious and I get embarrassed that everyone may be able to tell. And other times he’s so subtle that I feel it’s all in my head. There may have also been a couple times when we’ve touched legs under the table (this is why I insist it’s not in my head).
Clearly this is wrong and I don’t want our lives to blow up. I don’t want to risk anything that will hurt our spouses. We’ve never spoken about anything. The problem is that I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop replaying each interaction and wondering what it means. I am fantasizing and even dreaming about him. I’d never found him particularly attractive before he started doing this, but now I’m attracted to every part of him and every thing he does. I am afraid that even though he started it and I haven’t really outwardly reciprocated, internally I am very far gone, much more than he is. He hasn’t tried to escalate and I feel like this is just low stakes fun for him.
We can’t really detach or take space from each other without everyone finding out. They are neighbors of ours. My husband and T are taking on a business project together. His wife and I have the same group of friends. T and I already don’t hang out alone ever and we don’t text. This is all happening during group gatherings. I am not going to tell my husband some of the more hidden stuff because it would destroy friendships.
I truly want to stop wanting him. I don’t have a therapist right now because I had a bad experience with therapy before and am not ready to take that on. So I am wondering—what are real ways I can get over this without hurting anyone or messing up our lives?
TLDR: My husband’s friend is flirting with me and I am wanting him more and more but I want to stop.