Why am I still in love after trauma and abuse?
Trigger warning - this will mention physical, verbal and emotional abuse.
Hi everyone. In desperate need of some real tough love here… even though I know it’s going to hurt. So, here goes. I 25F am leaving my 27M boyfriend of 4 years. We have had repeat incidents of separation throughout the years, lived together off and on, fought, yelled, made up, the whole toxic cycle that I’m sure everyone is familiar with. I think the straw has finally broken.
To give some backstory, my (now ex) boyfriend and I met when I was just about to graduate college, I was the happiest, healthiest and fittest that I have ever been. I was thriving. When he and I met, it was an instant click, I felt like I had finally met the person I was going to spend my life with. Things moved a bit fast, and we moved in together after dating for 7 months. Things were alright temporarily and then we started having the regular relationship fights.. money, sex, moods, household duties, etc. he would complain frequently that I was in a terrible mood and never had sex with him, he claimed I never paid for anything and was lazy. I was finishing my bachelors degree, working part time and still keeping up with household chores. I will admit that I was tired and stressed all the time, I worked in an inpatient psychiatric facility caring for people dealing with extremely high acuity mental health issues, my shifts were 12hrs three days a week, sometimes four, which worked out well with my off days being my days for classes and homework. But the high stress job (which paid horribly) as well as school did impact my mood. I never took out my anger or frustration on him directly, though he might have a different story. Eventually, we both decided that we had had enough. Our lease was ending in about a month, so we called it quits. I spent the night at my sister’s, and I came home to find my belongings piled by the door. He was kicking me out. Claiming that I never paid him rent anyways. Whatever. I left.
A month goes by, he asks to meet at a coffee shop to talk. I meet him, we reconcile. Things are fine for a while. We give it about a year, then move back in together. Same arguments, same issues. Money, mood, sex, etc. his biggest issue is money and sex. He makes significantly more than I do (he runs his own business), so I do expect that he covers more in regards to bills because I don’t believe it’s fair that I’m paying 50% of my income to our shared expenses and he’s only paying maybe 10-15% of his income. He does pay slightly more than me already, but we’ve had numerous arguments regarding this and he feels that it does not matter how much we make, we should be paying the same. As far as sex goes, he complains that having sex around 3 times a week is not frequent enough. I don’t have a very high libido, he does. There are some days we have sex twice in a day and that still doesn’t seem to be enough for him. He then complains that I’m never in a good mood and I take out my work stress on him and it’s unfair (I snapped at him one time due to work stress and I apologized that same day).
These issues and arguments usually end up as these massive fights that turn into days of him stonewalling, not communicating properly, being mean, and eventually telling me that he’s “just done”. Some examples of things that he says and does when he’s mad at me: calls me a bitch or saying “you’re acting like a bitch” (he loves to clarify that the way you word it matters), calling me dumb, crazy, or really any insulting name that you can think of. I ask him to not call me names, and he just says “well if you’re acting like __ I’m going to call you __”. No apologies from him ever.
We had an issue with my cat, who vehemently dislikes him and is frequently hissing and swatting at him. He told me he refuses to live with her and I need to “fix her” or she needs to leave. I am an avid animal lover and I refuse to rehome animals for trivial reasons. He refuses to bond with her, he even follows her around and hisses at her like a cat just because he doesn’t like her. She throws up a lot because she eats too fast, and so he yells at her to get away from her food every time she eats. He’s overall just very mean to her and so she is mean back. This issue spiraled.. I told him I don’t accept ultimatums regarding my pets and that if he wanted her gone, I was going with her. He said “fine”. Every argument we have, he claims the argument is because “I refuse to take accountability” he called me dumb because I told him that her behavior is consistent with a cat who used to be feral and is still getting used to him. He also called me a bitch during an argument about him leaving his belongings all over the counter in the bathroom.
I also had some issues with his alcohol consumption and physical aggression. He drinks every single day. Mostly beer, the occasional mixed drink or shot. But at least 2 beers every day. I have a problem with it, I believe he is an alcoholic but he refuses to quit, stating the “he’s able to run a business so it must not be that bad”. He also sometimes gets physically aggressive but plays it off like it’s a joke. Smacking my ass a little too hard, pinning me on the bed as a joke, grabbing me by the neck as a joke - he never restricted my breathing but it was still irritating. He would grab my hair and pull… and just purposefully do a lot of things to hurt me physically in some way, then say it was just a joke and I was overreacting.
Where we are at is I am good and done with being called names and being treated this way. I communicated that to him, I stated that the next time he called me a bitch I was done (this is a frequent occurrence, I just don’t have the energy to write out each example) and he repeated his line “well if you act like a bitch I’m going to say you’re acting like a bitch”. So I said fine, I’m done. I started rounding my belongings up in the home that we live in together, I began bringing them to the basement to keep everything out of the main areas and I planned to move out within two weeks (reasonable). I informed him of this and he said “well if you want to leave just go ahead and get out right now, get the fuck out”. He began grabbing my belongings, brought them outside and piled bags of stuff on the porch. He would follow me around, sit and stare while recording me. He asked me for a firearm back that he purchased for me, so I gave it to him and he sat there with it in his hand just staring at me. He then again, tried moving my belongings outside. I eventually called the police after I went outside to get my belongings and he locked the door on me. This is where we’re at.
I’m struggling with the feelings I’m encountering involving this situation. On one hand, I feel as though I have never had so much hatred for one person in my life and I shake with rage. On the other, I am heartbroken and sad that this is the person he turned out to be. I feel love for him still, and I know that it’s normal and will eventually fade, but how can I still care for a person who has been so disrespectful and cruel in so many ways? I hate myself for going back to him, I hate myself for putting my animals in this position. I hate myself for trusting that his words were fact and that he would actually change. I never imagined that I would end up in a position like this, tolerating years of verbal abuse thinking that he’ll change eventually, when I was raised to do the exact opposite.
PSA you always think that being in an abusive relationship will never happen to you - especially for very loud, opinionated women like myself. You really don’t even know it’s happening until you’re IN IT and it’s hard to walk away.