So I’m probably gonna get roasted for this, but I don’t even care at this point. So I’ve been over 10 days strong no PMO after I was relapsing nearly every day, multiple times a day, for almost a year and I’m making today a win on the board. I’ve also been practicing better habits like going to the gym, cleaning up my diet, meditating, and reading just to name a few. Everything is going good, there’s just one problem.
So there’s this woman that I see at my job everyday (she works at the gas station that I go to get gas everyday for my van before I deliver) who I find pretty attractive and I also finds me attractive. She’s been giving me pretty obvious signals that she likes me: always wanting talking to me, smiling, laughing at almost every joke I say even when they’re not that funny, finding excuses to touch me, flirting. etc. Sounds awesome, right? Here’s the problem:
I just recently got out of really toxic relationship (toxic from both sides) and I’ve decided to take the rest of this year to really focus my energy towards improving myself both physically and mentally and take a hiatus on dating and just become comfortable and content with being alone and in solitude. One of the biggest reasons my relationship was so toxic was my p*rn addiction (had pied when we first started dating and I also lied to her saying I was abstinent from p*rn when in reality, I was watching it almost every day). Also, I had a really huge issue with codependency, feeling like I REALLY needed a woman in my life to make me feel happy and to feel validated.
Well, every since then I’ve been horny damn near all day, every day (my libido has gone up from me working out and eating healthier) but also knowing this woman I find attractive is interested in me and I have been having giant urges to just MO, however when I just engage in masturbation without the screen, I immediately start having urges to actually watch p*rn and then I relapse. I don’t want to engage in pmo (I know it would healthier to date and get physical with a real woman than through a screen ofc) and I also don’t want to just get involved in dating yet when I know I’m not ready and make bad decisions just because she’s the woman at the time who’s giving me attention. It’s like I’m between a rock and a hard place: Do I ask her out and if it gets physical, get it out of my system, but go back on my word and make it likely I end up in another toxic situation or do I stay true to my word, but risk relapsing because I’m just extremely horny and I’m fighting off Level 10 out 10 temptation and urges?
All advice and encouragement would be greatly appreciated!