I don't even know where to start with this, but like I want to be succinct so regardless TL;DR at the end.
I (27f) have long (like since early high school) thought I was sexually abused as a child. I have small memories of some things, but nothing concrete. I remember very concretely though very odd behaviors I had starting very young that I had no reason or way of knowing otherwise. I don't want to get into too much detail here because people are creeps, but to give as much context with as little detail possible I had A LOT of individual play prior to around age 11 that involved being punished in very vulnerable, demeaning ways for very vulnerable demeaning things. I was raised pretty religious and had no concept of these things in media until probably around middle school when I started reading normal fiction rather than middle grade and children's lit and watching more TV for teens and adults rather than kids.
I also know that when I was fairly young I had a lot of UTIs and some abnormal bruising. I vaguely remember my pediatrician asking about it maybe once or twice and (I think) a med student who was with her asking once, but I don't think I ever told them anything.
I have had very severe depression and anxiety throughout my life, so panic attacks aren't necessarily unusual, and I had abuse occur throughout my life and even concurrently to when I think sexual abuse would've happened if it happened, but my early life abuse I do remember wasn't sexual in nature and the sexual assaults and coercion that happened to me as I got older happened much after any of the early life behavior and/or any suspicions I had/have, yet lately, I've been having what almost feel like flashbacks, where a weird almost memory will come to me in a very blurry and nearly uncanny flash and I'll feel my chest seize and will be unable to get much done for several hours because of the panic and like idk how else to put this but like aching sadness and fear that are involuntary to the images. I have a lot of emotional flashbacks to my other abuse, but these are more "in the moment" type flashbacks. It disrupts my daily life on a level that a lot of my confirmed abuse does as well lately after cutting off my abusive dad (finally feels safe to confront the non-okayness of my childhood in a more real way), but that's not to say that I think my dad did this, just that all of my cPTSD symptoms have been flaring.
I guess I just don't know what to do, how to move forward/through this, if it's even possible that this happened and why I keep getting these flashbacks, and how to just bring it all to the surface so I can deal with it.
TL;DR: Have long suspected that in addition to emotional/psychological/financial/verbal abuse beginning in my early life and later sexual assault that I was sexually abused as a child because of symptoms and behaviors I had and have been experiencing panic inducing 'flashbacks.' What do I do?