Hi ladies, I'm mostly just coming here to vent and cry tbh.
As a teen, from 16-17 I identified as a lesbian. I was sure, and then I fell "in love" with a boy from my class. We began a relationship extremely fast, grew together, lived together, adopted a dog together, planned a future together, bought an apartment together.
I always questioned why I always felt like something was missing, and for the past few years have just been constantly looking for something to pick on and ask him to change because I thought it was behaviors that were turning me off from him (he's the most amazing man), and I always questioned why I was never attracted to his body, never wanted to reciprocate anything during sex and didn't even feel comfortable in the act ever and always had to dissociate to get off. Despite this, for all of these years he has been my one and only, my only friend, my whole world. I know it probably comes from a place of codependency, I had a neglectful childhood.
When I met a girl in college recently who made my head turn, develop a huge crush on her, and realize I would never again and never really did have eyes for a man, I realized, Im a lesbian. When I was 16, and came out to my sister, and she told me I was being dramatic and to not identify myself so fast, it turns out, I was right.
When I told my somewhat-ex-partner my realization, I went through so many stages, of yes we can stay together let's just open the relationship, and then both of us recently realizing, it doesn't work like that and it's never going to work out long term. Losing my best friend, the only person I've ever loved, is the most devastating thing Ive ever been through and Im so sad I can barely breathe.
Its also so complicated, because our dog is extremely reactive, young still and the reality is whoever takes her, is going to be bound to this life of not being able to have anybody over, not being able to go on any vacations, etc, as long as she lives. So we decided to continue living together, and when we move into the apartment we bought together next year, live as roommates until our dog passes, as we know the stress of a separation and everything changing would set her over the edge, and she is our #1 priority.
In a way its comforting to still be around eachother even if its not the way it was before, but in another way, his recent more silence and distance is just killing me.
I feel so alone, I have only 1 friend and shes great but I'm afraid I'm never going to find a woman who loves me how he did and who is so kind, sweet and understanding like he was.
I just cant see a future where I'm happy anymore, I wish I could disappear, or go back in time 7 years and not waste this amazing man's time