What is love suppose to feel like from you parents? I tried to love and care about them but they don't listen to me at all and belittle me. I know I get intense at times but I'm so tired of not being taken seriously. I can use my mind and say I love them but my thoughts and feelings say I don't. I am left wondering what is it suppose to feel and be like to have a loving relationship with one's parents? I know as a child you love them by default and a big part of that is the nature of survival but why do I feel bad like I am leaving them behind by accepting my true feelings about our relationship? I've had the necessities and never had to complain about food on the table or anything like that so it makes me feel like I should give back but it also feels like I'm trying to build something with people that I do not like being around at all and I have to force it.
I think I've always had issues accepting things about myself, the world, etc as my mind alway sees potentials that can be built but my parents are typical boomers. I also feel they are a bit autistic as they always have to announce everything they do out loud like saying look at me and it has been exhausting living with people like that most of my life. Is being lovable a learned trait? Are some people just unloveable or is it the world that breaks these people down into narcissistic shells? I find trying to love narcissists to be the most mentally emotionally exhausting thing, whenever you point something out they just fight you or laugh at you or ignore you. Honestly typing this out makes me feel a bit better at less alone. Probably should start journaling again