Forgive me if this is long and poorly written , I’m just so lost.
I have never tried in school. My parents never really cared enough to check my grades, or my homework, or even my attendance. So I did what I assume many kids would, ignore school and just have fun. I played video games and watched tv my whole life. So I got minimum amounts of education.
One year, in sophomore year I think, i decided this was the year. A decision I often made throughout my school career, only to not keep up a month later. So I put all of my efforts into school. I got a part time job even to pay for summer classes(to recover from freshman year). I like every time before this grew tired of constant effort, and started to go back to tv. However this time, I made myself get up and keep going. Every month of the school year there’d be a week where I just couldn’t make myself get up and try anymore, but I’d keep going anyways. Summer came and I did buy the summer classes. They were online though, so I ended up ignoring them, ultimately hurting my gpa. I went back the next year, I kept trying. Until halfway through the year I just couldn’t. I just stopped going and couldn’t get myself to go anymore, even after a week. It was the same thing for my job. I inevitably had been withdrawn from school, and had lost my job. This isn’t the first time it happened with school either.
At the time it felt like I had lost everything. Even though I tried, even though I so desperately worked to keep up with my peers. I got extremely depressed. I felt empty and alone for months. It probably didn’t help that my parents continued to call me lazy, and a failure. I had attempted suicide, if you can really call it that(as I didn’t end up in the hospital).
That was my wake up call. I took a month of rest. I found another school, and another job. It went well for a few months, until again it didn’t. I started being late frequently, I started not keeping up with homework, ect.
This has been going on for a year. I have tried all of the strategies, like break things down, start small, prioritize health ect. Nothing really helps. It is only when I push my absolute hardest do I become functional, or at least average.
I want to live. I want to enjoy life as best I can. In order to do that I need to do these things. But I can’t do these things unless I push extremely hard.
So truthfully I’m scared that if I push again I’ll end up in the same mental space, but succeed in ending things.
Anyway I need advice on what exactly to do now…? I could try to push again, I feel that determination, but it most likely won’t last. I could not try like years before, but I’d miss out on the chance to truly live the life I want. I can keep trying with small goals, even though half the time they feel just as hard to start as bigger vaguer ones.
So really any advice on how to fix this cycle or how to be better would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you in advance for anyone who may read my rant haha