I am at a loss. I feel like my life has been swallowed whole by cyclical thoughts about my otherwise perfect relationship, and I can’t tell if I actually did something wrong or if I am just having morality ocd problems.
Long story short, my boyfriend and I met on nsfw twitter (I know, super romantic.) After experiencing SA in person, I wanted to ease back into being comfortable with sexual encounters, and phone sex (with people 18+ of course) felt safer to me than being in person. Even though I was 22, I had never been in a relationship. I had only had consensual sex twice. I dropped out of college during the pandemic after only one year, and was living with my parents, working full time. I felt so behind everyone my age after losing many years to mental illness. Then I met him.
He was 18, going on 19(M), and I had just turned 23(F). However, he had been working for years as a mechanic, and did not follow a traditional school path. We were both working and living with our parents. There was no noticeable maturity gap, we both had the same relationship goals, and were in similar financial situations. I was never a drinker or a partier so that didn’t even factor into the equation, nor did he ever once ask for me to buy him anything. It was an immediate connection, he was simply one of the nicest people I have ever met. I hadn’t really seen age gap discourse before, and assumed that our difference was negligible. We met in person soon after, and started dating at 19 and 23. We are now 21 and 25, living together, and love each other very much.
He is the kindest man I have ever met, I am so in love with him. He is patient with me, kind to me, and loves all of the parts of me that I thought were unlovable. We have so much fun together, we watch our shows, snuggle our dogs, and go on fun dates. I gained the courage to go back to school and cut my work to part time. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner, and I have no doubt that he loves me dearly.
The past year or so, I have started to see some of the age gap discourse online, and it has caused me to panic badly. I regularly get trapped in viscous thought cycles about being a predator of some kind, and will spend hours googling people’s age gap opinions. No one in my real life understands these concerns. My family, his family, all of my friends, see absolutely no problems with the relationship. Mostly they talk about how I have never been happier, and are confused that I would ever be concerned about something so small.
Then I see posts online. People my age saying how disgusting 4 year age gaps are, how people over 21 are creeps if they date anyone with “teen” in the name. Comments with tens of thousands of likes calling relationships with the same age gap as mine weird behavior. Part of me understands that there is nuance to these situations, and that while my relationship is healthy the same gap could be problematic, and I think it is important to talk about grooming and predatory behavior to protect people from getting abused. I just didn’t know how severe the discourse was, and part of me is still shocked that some people could think my relationship is wrong.
I have heard over and over that I shouldn’t care what other people think, especially not strangers on the internet who don’t know me. I just care so deeply about being a good person. I can’t kill a bug without feeling bad. This situation has riddled me with guilt, and I don’t know if the guilt is deserved. The obsessive thoughts are constantly popping into my head, and I am worried they will make me distance myself from him. It is so hard for me to tell if I actually should feel guilty, or if I am just reassurance seeking. I am worried my ocd will cost me the relationship I have always dreamed of. I am in therapy, have been for years, but any advice to get this under control would be greatly appreciated.