Family gatherings feel like emotional survival mode and I dread it
Did anyone else grow up feeling like siblings were made to compete for parental approval?
I’m married and moved out now, and my parents have been increasingly sulky/upset that I don’t like attending whole family gatherings anymore or going back to my childhood home often.
The thing is, they don’t know the real reason why. I never told them.
I’m not avoiding them because I hate them or don’t care. I still meet my parents weekly for dinner outside after work. I’m willing to spend time with them. I just don’t enjoy the “whole family together” environment.
Growing up, I often felt lonely at home. My siblings mostly ignored me, and my parents were always busy. The house itself honestly feels emotionally depressing to me even now.
But another thing I’ve only fully realized as an adult is how much my parents seemed to create this competitive atmosphere between siblings.
It’s hard to explain unless you experienced it yourself. Whenever all of us are together, it suddenly feels like:
competing for attention,
competing for approval,
competing over who’s doing better in life,
competing to be listened to more, etc
And what’s weird is that my parents behave VERY differently with me one-on-one versus when all the siblings are around.
One-on-one, they’re calmer and more normal. But when everyone is together, the atmosphere changes completely and I instantly feel emotionally tense again.
So naturally, I prefer:
meeting my parents alone,
or meeting siblings separately.
The relationships actually feel healthier that way.
But my parents seem unhappy that I don’t enjoy the “whole family together” setup, and honestly it almost feels like they prefer that environment where everyone is subtly competing for their attention/approval. Sometimes it genuinely feels like they enjoy being in the center while everyone unconsciously fights for validation around them.
And I know that sounds weird, which is why I’m posting this.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of family dynamic? Where family gatherings feel emotionally exhausting even if nobody is openly arguing?