Posting this because I feel very confused and upset by something that happened to me. I know it’s not nearly as serious as a lot of the other stuff that gets posted here but I’m not sure where else to put it.
Last Friday after work, I (27F) met two ex co-workers (25F and 30F) at a restaurant we go to a lot. The restaurant opened in my city around two years ago and we were some of its first customers, so we know the owner (50ishM) pretty well. It’s since done really well and is on a lot of the lists for top restaurants in my city (it’s a respectable joint basically).
The owner usually comes to join my ex-coworkers and me for a drink if we’re there and will quite often comp our drinks and always makes sure that we are fed before we go out. The head chef there (30F) is also pretty close with us. I’ve taken a number of other friends there, as well as my boyfriend several times. The owner is mostly just great for a chat and has also lived an interesting life so has a lot of great stories. He also lent us an ear when my ex co-workers and I were having some issues with my then-boss. I thought of him as kind of an Uncle-like figure I suppose, and didn’t really ever get any creepy vibes from him. My boyfriend had his doubts about the owner’s motives, but I thought he was maybe being overprotective. In hindsight I was maybe a bit naive.
This particular evening, the owner brought us a bottle of wine and we all shared it. My two friends eventually had to leave as they each had other plans, but I hung around as we were having a good chat. He ended up ordering more drinks for us and at some point I lost track of how much I was having, which I am aware is a bad position to put myself in. The owner then suggested that we go to a bar down the street as his place was closing up. We went and were sat at the bar on stools next to each other as there were no tables available. I was pretty out of it at this point and don’t remember a lot of what our conversation was about from her on in.
At some point I noticed that his hand was on my knee. I kept trying to move it away, but it was kind of hard to without fully standing up given that we were on bar stools. I don’t know why I didn’t just say something at that point. I then tried to angle my knees away from him, but then he put his hand on my lower back and was sort of rubbing it. Again, I don’t know why I didn’t say anything or ask him to stop. I’m ashamed that I didn’t, and also really confused about why I just kept quiet. Eventually I got up and left. He insisted on walking me to my bus stop and offered to get me an Uber home, but I didn’t let him.
I caught the bus home and cried when I got home that evening. The owner tried to call me later that night (he had my number from times I had made bookings at the restaurant) but I didn’t answer and have since blocked him. That’s the only time he has ever tried to call or message me in a private capacity.
I feel like my boundaries were violated but I just feel really confused about why I didn’t react to it at all in the moment. I also feel quite guilty, like I’ve disrespected my boyfriend or something by putting myself in a position where someone tried to take advantage of me. I don’t want the fact that I didn’t respond outright to be taken as implicit acceptance; I honestly just felt like I didn’t really want to believe what was happening, didn’t know what to do about it and didn’t want to make a scene. I’m just embarrassed that I allowed myself to be in that situation in the first place, but he was someone I had known for a while and trusted up until this point. He also knows I have a boyfriend and has met him a number of times so would have known he was crossing a boundary.
I don’t think I’ll ever be going to the restaurant again and don’t want to see the owner ever again. I haven’t told anyone about what happened yet. I feel like I’ll have to tell my ex-work friends about what happened soon but because we used to go there pretty often. I’m just feeling a lot of emotions including betrayal, embarrassment, shame, anger, and guilt and don’t really know if I’m overreacting or how to make sense of it. I don’t know if this was SA and if it was I know it was not a serious instance of it (I know it’s not something I could or would go to the police about), but it’s just been giving me a lot of anxiety and shame the last couple of days.
Am I overreacting?