u/Gr0undbreaking

I need outside perspective on a situationship that became emotionally serious for me and is now destroying my mental state.

We started as something casual/FWB-ish around 1.5 months ago, but over time it became much deeper emotionally. We text constantly every day, flirt a lot, spend hours together, have amazing chemistry in person, had sex multiple times every time she's at my house, cuddle all the time, plan future things together, talk about watching and watch long TV series together, changing furniture in my room together, staying over in the future etc. It genuinely feels emotionally close, not just sexual.

The problem is that nothing between us has actually been defined. No exclusivity, no boundaries, no “what are we?”, no relationship talk yet. And I realized recently that I’m no longer emotionally capable of treating this casually. I caught real feelings for her.

She has a very chaotic life. She has BPD, struggles mentally, uses drugs/medication sometimes (opioids, xanax etc.), has chaotic friendships and seems avoidant when it comes to serious conversations or emotional responsibility.

The thing that completely broke my sense of security happened like this:

One day she accidentally showed me a mirror selfie where some guy was hugging her from behind. Later I found out that this was the same guy she had stayed overnight with the same day, after taking oxy and other drugs together. The worst part is that she didn’t tell me directly at first, I only found out accidentally later after we had already had sex for the first time and it slipped out of her. She casually mentioned that she “fell asleep” at his place that night.

The moment she realized how hurt and withdrawn I became after hearing that, she immediately started explaining things like:

- “he’s asexual”

- “I don’t undress around him”

- and trying to minimize the situation.

Then literally shortly after I found out about all of this, she also mentioned that another male friend (someone she used to sleep with in the past) was supposed to stay overnight at her place because he's visiting our city. At that moment I was already visibly hurt, distant and emotionally shut down because of everything with the first guy.

2 days later she panicked, said having him stay over was a terrible idea, cancelled it, and told me she’d rather spend time with me instead.

So now I’m stuck in this horrible mental loop:

- On one hand she clearly acts emotionally attached to me.

- She reacts strongly when I pull away.

- She constantly seeks contact, flirts heavily, plans future things with me, and our chemistry together feels extremely real.

But on the other hand:

- she stayed overnight at some drug guy’s place seemingly without hesitation,

- hid it from me at first,

- and when it comes to me, she constantly avoids or dodges the topic of staying overnight together.

Every time I suggest her staying over, there’s always some reason:

- her roommate,

- my guinea pigs making noise,

- her mother would know(WTF?),

- logistics,

etc.

So in my head it feels like:

“Why was staying overnight with some random drug guy easy and natural, but with me it suddenly becomes complicated?”

That’s the thing that hurts me the most emotionally and makes me feel rejected, less important, or like I’m just a comfortable option.

At the same time though, this genuinely does not feel like a normal casual/FWB dynamic anymore. It feels emotionally much deeper than that from both sides.

I’m especially struggling to understand two things: why she seemed completely comfortable staying overnight with another guy after doing drugs together, and why she also initially wanted another former sexual partner to stay overnight at her place, while at the same time acting emotionally very attached to me and avoiding or complicating the idea of us spending the night together.

When I directly asked her why staying overnight with him happened so naturally while staying with me always seems difficult, she told me that with him it “just happened accidentally,” while with me she would want it to be intentional. She also reassured me that she doesn’t undress around him and tried to minimize the situation.

But despite that explanation, whenever I actually suggest her staying over, there still always seems to be some reason why it can’t happen.

How would you interpret behavior like this in a situationship that already feels emotionally serious? And what would be the healthiest way to approach a conversation about exclusivity, boundaries, trust, and emotional needs without turning it into jealousy or emotional pressure?

I’m planning to finally have a serious conversation with her about exclusivity, boundaries, and where this relationship is going because I can’t mentally handle the ambiguity anymore.

I’d appreciate honest opinions from people who’ve experienced emotionally chaotic situationships like this.