My 25 NB, best friend 26M, isn't invited to my wedding, yet.
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I 25 NB, was best friends with (fake name) John 26 M, for about 5 years. We lived together for most of that time and it was always a platonic friendship. About 3 years into our friendship he got a partner, we'll call them Olive, who I loved. John had been single the whole time I knew him and I was so happy to see him excited about someone. However, Olive was apparently threatened by me our whole friendship and thought I was trying to steal John from them. Which was confusing because John and I were always platonic. I also was pretty much always in a relationship the whole time John and I were friends.
One night at a bar it all unfolded, John and Olive got in a fight, John ubered home, and Olive flipped out on me. They screamed at me and gaslit me for like an hour, I had to sit there and try to defend myself and try to reassure them I did not want John. People were watching and there were people there I knew and I didn't want anyone to think those things about me. I had just started my relationship with my now Fiance, I was happy in my relationship. And again, John and I were always platonic.
The next day I sent Olive a message that their behavior was very triggering and I didn't deserve that. I asked them to give me time to process and I would come to them when I was ready to talk. They apologized and admitted they were embarrassed. Unfortunately, like a week later, their father got really sick and ended up in the hospital, they were going through a lot at this time. They reached out to ask if I would be willing to talk yet but I wasn't and I again asked them to let me come to them. Then another week later, they reached out to me again to seemingly persuade me to forgive and forget because they had so much on their plate. I felt like the boundary I set had been ignored and like they weren't giving me the space to process how I felt about being verbally berated and blamed for all of their relationship issues. I expressed my sympathies for what they were going through but how them bringing that into this issue with me felt manipulative. They responded with oh that was not my intention, you won't hear from me again and then blocked me.
The next few days, John was ignoring me. Like in person ignoring me. I'd come out of my bedroom and ask him a question and he'd go straight to his bedroom. Finally I texted him to see what was up and he was mad that I had said Olive was being manipulative. I explained my perspective and how their story was different from mine. I offered to move out as I didn't want to be a point of contention and resentment in their relationship. It had come up while Olive was screaming at me that there was an ultimatum about me moving back into the house that I was unaware of. (I had moved out cause my ex lived there but when he moved out I wanted to move back in) He chose to let me move back in and Olive was pissed about it. He tried to reassure me that I could stay but at this point I realized I was always going to be a threat to Olive, and I genuinely wanted John to be happy. I did ask John if he felt like Olive gaslit him or treated him in a way that felt manipulative or abusive, he said he didn't think so. Which wasn't super reassuring but I left it at that.
I found a new place to live, moved out about a month later. John and I avoided each other that whole month. Besides the accidental mail sent to his house, I haven't had any communication with him in the last year. I do know they are still together.
John was my very best friend. I always wanted him to be my best man. That obviously won't be the case now but I'm feeling a lot of grief around him not being at my wedding. My thought process around inviting him is, it could be bridge into reconnecting and I'm getting married so how could Olive be threatened. My fiance thinks John was a bad friend toward the end and I don't disagree but I understand his mindset. He was just trying to support his partner. So while rebuilding our friendship would take some work and accountability on all sides, I am not closed off to it.
I could invite him to the wedding or do I just leave it alone and accept that this person isn't a part of my life anymore?