I think what’s messing with me the most is that you’re still here, but it doesn’t feel like us anymore.
I keep replaying things you’ve said like when you told me I was gross, or that you didn’t want me like that and it stuck way deeper than I think you realize. It didn’t just hurt in the moment, it changed how I see myself when I’m around you. Now I hesitate. I overthink. I second guess even reaching for you, even though you say I don’t anymore.
And the worst part is I still love you. Like, fully. That didn’t shut off just because things got hard or confusing. So now it’s just sitting there with nowhere to go, while I’m trying to act normal and not feel rejected at the same time.
I miss when loving you felt easy. When I didn’t feel like I was slowly losing you or like I had to earn something that used to just be there.
I don’t even know if you see how much this changed things for me. Or how much I still wish we could find our way back to each other.
I love you with everything I got and you’ll always be my favorite. Can we please just go play skeeball and see a movie?
-CB