Am I the asshole for changing my last name back to my maiden name?
Hi Reddit, I (33f) am feeling a lot of guilt and am unsure if it’s because I’m truly in the wrong or if my partner’s family’s disapproval is feeding into my people-pleaser tendencies.
My father had all daughters. I’ve toyed with the idea of going back to my maiden name for years. I’ve spoken to my partner (33m) throughout this thought process and he’s always been supportive of whatever I want to do. I took his name when we got married, but we’d talked about keeping our respective names or hyphenating. We ultimately decided against it because of logistic complications that can come about as a result (I.e. legal documents that may not allow for hyphens, our children having to learn an unusually long last name, confusion or disagreements around which last names our children would have, etc.).
When our son was born two years after our wedding, the conversation came up again. And then again with our daughter two years after that.
Some extra context:
My whole life, I’ve grappled with what’s “traditional” and made a lot of decisions that weren’t right for me because it’s what other people expected.
I’m passionate about genealogy. I think because of my beliefs (I’m agnostic and feel strongly about honoring ancestors or trying to learn about them so they aren’t forgotten), I feel an obligation to stay connected to my lineage, particularly since my father had all daughters and so did his brother. His name dies with us.
Additionally, I’ve found that I can trace his name and ancestry back to the 1500s. I know this is a privileged take and not everyone from all cultures has the ability to trace their family back that far; I feel very honored to be so connected with my own history.
Last year, I sat down with my partner and told him I wanted to change my last name. I didn’t need him or the children to change their names. It wasn’t necessarily about passing the name on so much as I, personally, wanted to stay connected to my family in that way. Not only did he encourage this, but he said he wanted to follow suit and change the children’s last names as well. While he respected my choice to do it alone, he said he would be happy to support passing down the name, as well. He has a brother who has children that will be carrying on his family name, though I think he would’ve been supportive regardless.
Both the children are young enough that the change won’t affect them much. My son, who is older and knows my partner’s last name, has my maiden name as his middle name, so we refer to him that way, at times, anyway.
The only thing hindering my decision is my desire to maintain the peace and not rock the boat. Both our families are highly traditional. I don’t like the idea of stirring the pot for my own selfish reasons. My dad’s father was highly misogynistic and shamed his sons for not having sons. My dad is a true girl dad and I don’t think he gave his father’s opinion a second of his time, but it does make me sad on his behalf. So, this is something I feel I am doing for myself and my dad, but I don’t think he necessarily cares or wants this. He, too, doesn’t want to create conflict, particularly with my partner’s family.
My partner’s family is where I worry I’m being insensitive. Yes, they have other children and a son and grandchildren with their last name, but his side has had quite of bit of internal conflict over the last 8 years or so, and this will inevitably cause more division and drama. My partner took out a restraining order on his sister after years of harassment (at one point saying it was “a shame” I was pregnant with my daughter and bringing a life into this world when we are such horrible people) and his father has been giving him the silent treatment for a year now because my husband asked him to leave after he called him an idiot while doing a project on our house together. When my partner told me he was willing to change his name too, I asked that he attend therapy to address his family trauma first. I didn’t want what was meant to be a tribute to become about lingering resentment. He did go to therapy to work through things.
Last week, we had a court date and were granted a name change as a family.
My mother-in-law said it was “our decision” when my partner told her. A few days later, she called my mom at 9 PM. They don’t have a relationship where they speak very often. From what my mom tells me, she was just venting about how hurt she was, but there was an undertone of trying to find out if my parents coerced me into making the decision. My mother-in-law never called us to talk about it; my partner ultimately called her to provide validation and set boundaries. During the call, she didn’t know I was present, and said some things that, I know were said in anger but, were hurtful. Like, “It’s not my fault [my dad’s name] only had girls.”
My mother-in-law has told me multiple times in the past that my partner is incapable of making choices for himself and alluding that I am some kind of puppet-master in our relationship. This has not helped with their perspective on that.
I’m feeling the pressure of tradition again and thinking about how it impacts my partner’s family makes me physically sick. I feel like my attempt at connection with my own history and family has become a slight to my partner’s.
Should I have told my partner not to change his last name or the kids’ names to prevent damage to his already volatile family situation? I’m having an internal battle with myself; one side saying I don’t have to justify it to anyone that I want to be connected to my family, the other saying it’s “just a name” and I’m being ridiculous.