There is a lot of backstory here that I can't fit into one post, but I really need to vent.
About eight years ago, my parents passed away within a year of each other. I was the oldest of the siblings at 22, and before my mom died, she put it on me to try and keep the family close. It hasn’t been easy. We’ve grown apart due to distance—they’re all on the East Coast of the US, while I live on the West Coast of Canada. I married a Canadian woman, started a great career here, and we have a solid plan for the future. My wife even got into a very competitive nursing program recently, so we’re doing well.
Because of my mom’s wish, I’ve always tried to get along with my sister’s husband for her sake, especially since they had their first baby two years ago. We grew up in the same region and like the same sports teams, so we usually just talk about that. I’ve never agreed with his politics, but he usually just alluded to them rather than saying them outright.
Lately, though, the mask has slipped, and I am losing my patience. Ever since Trump started talking about Canada, my BIL has decided it’s hilarious to make "51st state" and "Canada sucks" jokes. He treats it like a sporting event. Living in Canada as someone who grew up in the States is already a challenge because people often lump you in with the very politics I moved away from. I love it here, and it feels like he’s personally offended that the US "wasn't good enough" for me.
The irony is that he’s miserable. He’s been trying to move his family to Florida but can’t find a job to save his life.
Yesterday, he was ribbing me because a US hockey team we both root for beat a Canadian team—ignoring the fact that the players are of mixed nationalities and we were rooting for the same side. He just makes everything a "joke." Then, while I was already annoyed, he sent a video to the family group chat of some weird-looking guy who supposedly looks like me.
My wife wants me to address it with him personally, but I’ve dealt with guys like him my whole life. I don't think he’s capable of understanding a nuanced conversation; I honestly think he’s almost brain-dead. I don’t even want a relationship with him at this point, but it’s complicated because of my sister and my mom's memory. Between this, a big move, and a job switch, I’m right on the edge of losing it on him.
Has anyone else dealt with a family member who uses "humor" to mask total disrespect for your life choices? How do you keep the peace without losing your mind?