u/Good_Nebula5744

Most of the time I feel alone, hopeless, and broken. My toxic family instilled fear, worthlessness, perfectionism, fight or flight. I learned those lessons well. I broke the cycle, got away from family, attended college, married a wonderful man, had family of my own, went no contact with my original family. I worked hard to get to where I am.

My issue is, when I got married I thought I would feel overwhelming joy. I didn't. I felt relief, I felt some freedom. I really cared for my husband but was devoid of the feelings I thought I'd feel. TMI-Intimacy is a real issue, I feel nothing and I'm seriously tired of being told I need to be fixed to please my man. I don't like feeling vulnerable, even in a safe space. When I had each of my kids I thought I'd feel the overwhelming happiness of becoming a mom. I didn't. I felt relief that they all were ok and pregnancy was done. I would protect them at all costs, but felt I'd failed as a wife and mother because I couldn't feel that love. I've had a spiritual crisis most of my life. I was raised in a "religious home and community".(preached, outward appearances, but not really converted or lived). I have nothing against the religion(i think I'd feel this with any religion. I desperately want to have faith and hope in it). It just doesn't work for me. I don't get answers to prayer, I don't feel God in my life. I do feel a void in my chest. Lately I have only resentment for a God who can, but won't help. I feel no love or obligation towards my original family, none. Cutting ties was easy and a relief.

My question is this: is it normal for others like me with cptsd and a lifetime of crap and hypervigilace to not feel anything but the fear and anxiety? I am very much a realist. I can't suffer fake people or actions. Every day is like wearing a mask and playing a part. I've taken the mask off partially and said to heck with most of it, but it's no way to live longterm, if that makes sense.

How do I start feeling anything but what my nervous system knows.

*note I'm in a good environment for 20 years but its not improving. Fake it till you make it, talk therapy, journaling, EMDR, or neurofeedback doesn't help.

Thanks for reading.

I've been reading the posts in this sub for awhile. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone.

*might be triggering, suicide*

I(43F) am an estranged adult daughter. I've been no contact with my entire family and extended family for six years. It was such a relief to not have to deal with them anymore. Even though there is no contact on my end I still deal with emotions, flashbacks, anxiety.... Everyone I meet can't understand why I can't just let things go and move on. I don't understand either. I can't detail here all the memories, events, but hopefully this somewhat makes sense.

My entire childhood was crap. I was expected to be the good daughter and raise/take care of my siblings because I was the responsible child. I had to be perfect, or else. Both of my parents worked. We weren't well off, but frequently had hand me downs from thrift stores, grandparents. We were latch key kids. My parents fought constantly. Throwing things, screaming, fists through walls, slamming doors, leaving. It was unpredictable, scary, so much responsibility at a young age. I moved out at 18, went to college on a scholarship, got married to a wonderful man, had my family. On the verge of my parents divorce my dad killed himself. I was 26. My mothers narcissist personality was overwhelming after that. It got so bad I had to go no contact for the safety of my family. I couldn't tolerate the gaslighting, manipulation, her ruining every important milestone/holiday, emotional and mental abuse anymore. I regret nothing. My three siblings side with my mother. My mother has spread lies about me to the entire extended family, so no contact with them either. It's hard to be an orphan.

I have lived constantly in fight or flight, have anxiety, feel worthless, triggered constantly( husband's job is in the area I grew up in, where our house is). I feel I can't let memories, judgements of people go for my protection, validation. I've been to therapy. Talk, EMDR, neurofeedback didn't help. I feel like I'm stuck in a deep dark hole with no way out.

My mother doesn't live far from us. My MIL(who really is great) slipped up and saw my mom and updated her on all my family's information. That is still a sore spot. My sister found my son's contact on facebook and shared the contact with my mom and now regularly emails him and sends him packages. I just can't get away from them. I don't want to have nightmares anymore and relive past experiences. I don't want to have this stress and tension in my body. I hate them. I don't know how to find peace, hope, or happiness if they even exist.