Hi,
From reading the posts this does not seem to be a new thing, but I still have to get it off my chest.
We have been in a relationshuip for more than 15 years, with kids. Two years ago, my partner decided to have a (sexual) relationship with another person, behind my back. I just found out by chance and saw them having sex, and it almost literally pulled the rug beneath my feet. I was already struggling with burnout at that time, and it completely destroyed me for a while. I was told immediately it has nothing to do with me, it is just my partner loves more than one person. There was no discussion about polyamorie before that, and since they have a same-sex relationship, it felt like there is some part my partner was missing out on. Quite honestly I don't really know how long they had the relationship before I found out, because I cannot trust if what I was told was actually true. Supposedly it all just started at that time and they didn't know either if they even wanted to have a relationship. My partner was apparently trying to tell me but didn't know how.
I tried to come to terms with that, but stumbled into a severe depression, and my partner decided to stop the relationshiup until I was fine with it. When I thought I can handle it, they started seeing each other again.
Despite them meeting at our home when I'm away at work, having sex at our home, and online when I'm not around. When depression hits hard, I can hardly cope with it, when it's better I THINK I can handle it.
But what keeps coming back to me all the time is the feeling of missingout on something as soon as I leave home. Every single day. It feels like being cheated on again over and over and over. And all the little lies I kept hearing in the past to try to make it easier for me, made it in fact a lot harder for me.
I went to therapy to get myself sorted out for a number of reasons. And while my other problems (health, burnout) have diminished, what keeps hitting me is the fact that I was cheated on in a way that crossed each and every line and respect towards me. We never agreed to particular lines, but I thought it should be common to TALK about things, not doing things and THEN talk about them. Deep inside me I have an understanding that as long as our relationship works (and it works better than the years before that), why should I care if my partner feels happy and has some fun.
And still, I struggle each and every day, which circles back to being cheated on and not getting over it. I don't know how anyone can ever get over it. This complete loss of trust is numbing, and I question everything - even myself (is something wrong with me that I sometimes can deal with it, sometimes not? am I a complete idiot for letting this happen to me?) And all the memories and feelings come back whenever I think I'm being lied to, even if these lies are supposed to make life easier for (which they don't, they make it a lot worse). I suppose the only way polyamorie can work is through brutal honesty. How is that possible when the very first thing about it was dishonesty?
I know, separating seems to be the logical way and I am considering it frequently. On the other hand I know that being in a long-term relationship changes people, and what they want and desire. I know that. And I would really like to figure out a way to handle it, before giving everything up - without destroying myself in the process.
Sorry for the rant, but any tips are greatly appreciated :-)