Giant TW:
My Illness And Me:
When You See Me, You Don't. Not When My laugh echos Through The Room, Not When I'm Smiling, Not When We're Talking.
Or when you see me walking down the street, You Can't See My I'llness. I hid It All From My Family, My Friends, I Just wanted to deal with it all by myself. I've always been like that. You Would Never Be able to tell I have a disability or a disorder Or The Things I Went Through. And That Doesn't Make It any less easier then a physical condition, or any Less vaild. I deal With something that disabilates Me severely.
I Feel Like I Was Never Givin A Fair Chance.
When I was six or seven I experienced A medical Type Of Trauma. I begun hanging around the wrong freind group. I begun Self harm In grade five occasionally, battled panic attacks And Alot of depression And Struggled With Alot Of Body Image. I Started Taking Medication At Thirteen And Since Then Have Littrally Been Medicated Since. I've Tried Almost Every Anti Depressant, Anti Phycotic, And As Needed Meds As I Could Get. Drug after Drug Just got stacked Up As I grew Older. Who Am I without these eight pills? Who Am I Without Being So drugged? Turns out I'm Really Med Ristent.
Over the years I Experienced some Pretty Significant Trauma growing up and In Highschool..I stopped eating, my self harm became more severe I Was So Numb And Sad. At fourteen I tried To take My own Life For the very first time. I had thought of suicide Younger But Don't Think I Ever Grasped That It Was Permanent. I had so much going on I Just broke, I hallucinatied, I had the biggest panic attack of my life, And I called 911 Thinking They'd Find My Body And Not My Family. My therapist Insisted Me my hallucinations where from anxitey. I Grew up In a stable home, My parents truly are The Best And None Of these negitive experiences Are because of Them, I was very lucky But My Mental Health Was destroying My home Life. My mom begging Me to eat, my dad waiting hours In emergency over and over again, creating trauma throughout self harm, seeing The words "Help Me." Carved In My Hand, That I Don't Remember Doing. Things got really dark for us all. Unfortunately I hid almost all Of my Trauma cause I wanted to deal With It On My Own.
At fourteen I was brought to My First psych ward Admitted By My mom, Very scary As a child but little did I know Even more scarier As an adult. I traced The graftie On The Walls And Paced Till My Feet Where swollen My first night. There Rules And Things That Just Seemed off. Lucky for me It was a short Visit. I opened up and the doctor Understood me completely..He dignoised me with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, social anxiety, genrlized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and anorexia nervousa. Over The Years Things Just seemed to get more and more Intense, I was doing school from Inside The hospital Because I had lost dangerous weight, I was taken out of school and put In a eating disorder program for months. the girls In there changed my life and gave me a whole new prepective. I believe they saved my life. I was threatened with a tube down My noes But Quickly Adapted To the "rules." I was In and out of emergency, psych ward after psych Ward, shelters, crisis stablization units, It Was Traumatic And Hard, Seen alot Mabye I shouldn't have. My self harm became so severe I was stealing dangrous objects Not caring at all about pernement consequences, I Had to Join The hospitals "Dialectical Behavior Therapy" course, Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy groups Etc.
I felt very failed growing up. Failed by the adults In Highschool who Just Ignored The signs, the ones who didn't believe me about struggling, Brushing me aside, there's so much I could say but my focus Isnt to bash The school system. Just so many bizzare comments, Neglect, refuse to help Me Or take me seriously. And some Did, Those I owe Alot back too Because I dont think I wouldve gotten through school Without Them. They Said I'd Never Graduate, let Alone On Time, I Was A good Kid I got up on everything I failed and graduated with my peers. So much happened Throughout my school years, middle school and Highschool. Alot of trauma, I was dignosised With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I gained my weight back but my battle with anorexia nervousa Continues Mentally. I'd Carve every word they said to me, every word I said to myself, I was burning myself, I wasnt Thinking straight. I was hallucinating sometimes But Not often I was concerned But Also Didn't Take It seriously, and Told nobody.. It was horrendous. And to be honest I told nobody my trauma when I should have.
As I grew up More and More dignosis doctor after doctor, "Borderline personality disorder," Unspefied Eating Disorder," (I Moved On To Be A very severe purger.) "Cluster C trates." I became Very Very I'll. Like I said I was able to prove everyone who didn't Believe Me wrong and I was proud of that....
Then The Year 2020 Happened. My Life Changed Drastically. The pandemic, The Isolation, not dealing with My Ptsd And Situations, Who Knows Why But I Became Very I'll.
I begun hallucinating everyday. Auitory hallucinations commanding me, talking to me, talking about me from behind my back. I heard my parents belittle me, Its awful. I was hallucinating physically as well, self harm became a delusion where You couldn't see my skin or hug me because I Thought I Had to, or else someone would get hurt, (family, boyfriend.) Police where Involved alot. I self harmed very dangerously Every Hour, I found glass Outside and Hurt myself very bad, I took bunch of Pills I could Find To try and die, I self harmed From 11:00 every night To 2:00/3:00 am. I've passed out In my own blood, and nobody really truly knew expect My Boyfreind. You couldn't see my skin, you couldn't hug me, I began purging Eight Times A day, Sometimes More, I've Almost Died From That, I had to take so many tests so many doctors..now I got brusies on My knuckles.
The Auitory hallucinations Never Stop, They Can Be quite With some medication but I am terffied Of them being real when they command me, I Started Smoking Marijuana And Sometimes Drink To Numb It All..In 2020 I Attempted To Take my life seven more Times, hanging (had a bruise there for a week or so.) cutting I wont Get Into Details But Im Very Lucky To Be Alive. My Last Attempt Being In The Hospital. The Ptsd Was Killing Me..They Tested me for bipolar, scezophernia, depression with "psychotic features", mabye a part of my trauma, doctor after doctor, I became a complex psyche that doctors didn't Wanna work with Me..till Finally Its A Unspecified Pristent auitory hallucinations And Paranoia. After Isolation Over The years my "psychosis" played tricks on my mind that someone Is going to hurt Me, That theres camaras In the house..I lost the abilty to be alone. Walk places, shop, bus, attended groups, hung out with freinds.
I lost most of my congitive skills from untreated Illness and Isolation. Now I cannot Do those things alone anymore. Its gotten so bad that I wouldnt leave the bed room Unless I was going over somewhere cause scared of camaras, people hurting me Etc. Being stuck In a room all day Is Not Fun, every person that walks by they say can hurt me. I get panic attacks after panic attacks sometimes to use the washroom. I lost congitive ability because Of so much Drugs..they Overdosed Me once To The point I fell To The floor and hurt My back..I have major ptsd Of all My Trauma Including the mutation Ive done to myself. I cant live Like This Anymore..Im really scared of my brain sometimes. Im trapped Unless I have aa person Here who can help. (Ushally my boyfriend) Physcosis destroys Youre Mind. From suicide attempts In Hospital To picking up glass off the street cause they said so. To the hallucinations scarying me so bad I wake up my partner In the middle of a break down, waking me up, made me scratch my skin down layers, for "bugs In Skin ".I Just Wanna Be Normal. I Just want to know whats going On, But Doctor after doctor couldn't Figure out whats wrong with me, so many Dignosis So many Requirements You Need To Be dignosied Very crazy. Health care system really failed me saying I don't look like I would kill myself, not believing my hallucinations because they present diffrent, sending me away to complex, to many Variables, Mis treatment In the psych ward. Waking me up taking my bedding stripping me and showering me Was The most humiliating Experience I've Ever had. People begging for there rights, needles, restraints, runners, fighters Seen and done It all. I even tried ketamine sessions twice so sixteen times. Nothing helps, other then reailty testing.
Today I'm Two Months Clean From Self Harm, I'm Three Years Free Of Purging. That's Almost a miracle. I went from doctors telling me There scared to let me go becuase they didnt think I'd last the week, test after test done, mris, eegs, my heart had Issues..Thats a remarkable amount of progress for me.
I was Formed for the second Time and In The Psych ward while Im writting this. Severe Health Issues Or people call It severe mental Illness, I've had it since I was young. I didnt get A chance To Train Myself To work, to be Independent, to even care about my future..
Nowadays I Am Struggling Extremely with a little bit of everything, but I know now To Open up to my boyfriend and family. This Illness wants to take my life, and I couldnt do that to my family, theres alot like alot of tears, blood sweat hard work Into getting better, I want a future with my boyfriend. I wanna get married, I wanna travel the world, mabye own a house Out In The country Since He's All About That haha! For my cats I get out of bed. For my mom begging for me to be okay, for my dad to see me have progress, my brother so he never needs to read a suicide note of mine again. Im trying my absolute hardest, even The hospital Is unsure how to treat me but I believe Actaully I know Im going to get there one day. And mabye help others Like Me.
No Im not working. No Im not making money other then disabilty.
I'm not a bum..I'm trying my best. Life has been hard and scary and I have alot of stuff going On In my brain who knows but this is who I am.
This is what I've been through and am currently going through. I live with severe Illness. And a form of more psychosis. But that dosent mean someday I won't recover. Some days are hard. But I know everyone who's by my side:) I'll learn To cope. I'll Learn to fight harder, reconnect my Life. I chose to live, And I Dont do It Just To survive, I do It Because I almost couldn't.
Everyday I still Deal With self harm and sucidel thoughts. I still have a busy head which Im terffied Of when I have a epiosde. I struggle to eat latley again, I struggle Like any other human being. This is my diease.