u/Good_Bed_3864

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(Sorry for formatting, I'm on mobile)

I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) for four years now. I think my boyfriend is pretty normal. He had romantic and sexual experience before me and I had none. And I know, we were and still are young. There have been a few rough patches in our relationship which I'm sure contribute to my insecurities but the main problem I'm having right now is it deeply bothers me that he is attracted to other people.

It just makes me feel so gross and unloved and hurt. And I know its something he can't control, and sometimes that even makes it feel worse. I feel so awful all the time because its so normal. Everyone says its a human thing to be attracted to others outside of your relationship, and that we still have eyes in a relationship and not acting on those feelings and urges is what really matters. But that just doesn't make me feel any better. It feels like cheating that he can look at someone else and it gets him going.

And I've also heard people say it happens to everybody, so it should be easier since it happens to me too. But it doesn't happen to me. I've never been romantically or sexually attracted to another person, ever. And that's not to be a flex or a brag or a "holier than thou" kind of statement. I just don't get it, and I really really want to. But nothing seems to do it for me. I just, don't find many people attractive like that i guess?

I think I identify with being demisexual, the problem isn't about accepting that I'm different or whatever, nor is it about him accepting me. I just want it all to stop hurting so bad. Like, I know he is attracted to other people (he says he isn't but then he tells me that attracted to him means like wanting to get with them?), I know he could be fantasizing about whoever doing whatever whenever and I can never know if that's happening. I get scared hes thinking of other people while were having sex and stuff and I just dont know what else to do at this point.

I feel like I've already heard the things that people say to make women like me feel better. I know that men are visual and it doesnt necessarily means he wants someone else, I know its natural and normal and there's nothing he can do about it, I know that hes literally programmed to be this way but it all just hurts so much. I don't want to be the person he comes home to, or his favorite person. I want to be the only person. I don't ever want him to think anyone else is good looking or God forbid better looking than me, or hot, or sexy, or cute, or anything. And I know that's crazy. I'm already in therapy and im trying to work on myself and my self worth and esteem. We don't want to break up, its really not in the cards for me. Hes the only person I've ever felt this way about, I've never even had a crush other than him and I feel like that's crazy because im 19 and im supposed to be full of hormones or whatever.

I just want to love him and accept him and be happy with him the way he is and im not. He deserves someone who loves him like that and I want to be that for him. I dont want to feel this way forever, I just want to be okay with everything. I feel like I've tried and heard everything and at this point my options are feel this way forever or be alone. Because even if we broke up and I miraculously developed feelings for someone else, wouldn't I just have the same problem?

Is there something I'm missing? I would really appreciate some advice on how to feel better about this or if there's another way I could try thinking about it

Sorry for long post and thank you for reading

Tldr: my boyfriend experiences at least sexual attraction to others while in a relationship with me. It hurts so bad. I feel like I've heard all the common advice and I cant logic my way through this.