You drink a lot of prune juice to clean your butt out the night before a big run and hit the hay early. You get up, eat half a cliff bar, drink a couple bottles of water, and hit your favorite trail. Music is bumping, vibes are grooving. You’re feeling amazing as the runner’s high is finally kicking in and remember why you do this 6-7 times a week.
Everything is going smoothly until the twinge between your butt cheeks starts to arise. Barely noticeable at first as you jog in rhythm to your favorite top 50 pop schlok, but slight irritation starts to emerge in the backyard chasm. Then around mile 4 the stinging begins. Like someone rubbing sandpaper against your sensitive inner booty skin. It continues to spread and is now swelling up your toned and tight cinnamon caked hole. There is no going back. There is no escape.
You check the mile marker and realize you’re miles from your car and thus, far, far away from any sweet relief. You turn back and huff it back to the car, limping with the irrationally terrible, throbbing pain of what used to be your precious rear bobbing muscle masses. You sit awkwardly in the drivers seat and speed home like your house is burning down. Yet there is no fire, even though there appears to be one lit in the back of your pants.
Your get home, drag yourself up the stairs, carefully pull off the tightly worn running undergarments. You turn around and spread your ass cheeks toward the full length body mirror in your bathroom. You now look back in horror as a rash as red as the devils dick has formed from the top of your ass to halfway down your thighs. You pull out some prescription steroid lotion you had left over from another embarrassing rash on your penis you can’t discuss without crying and carefully dab the formerly prized ass meat that now lay in ruin.
You finally lay yourself down gently on your stomach and hope the pulsing pain in your butt will cease.
Moral of the story: always make sure you thoroughly wipe before a run, or you could end up a baboon assed fool like me. I haven’t sat down without grunting in 2 days.