2 year try-nniversary
Yeah so I’m not 2 year sober, rather I just noticed my account is 2 years old today, meaning it’s been over 2 years of me trying to quit.
Of course I did try before, but I remember making this account & finding the leaves discord felt like I’m finally trying seriously, that this time will be different, etc.
It didn’t happen. I try not do be disappointed and angry at myself, since what would that achieve? It will only make me more depressed. But I am just a bit sad this is still a struggle, not something in the past already.
I am clinging on to hope that I will find my strength and keep going one of those times.
Life is difficult, the world is sick and being depressed seems almost natural to me. I remember being 8 years old and writing in my diary that I don’t want to live, and now I’m 28.
I take meds and I have been to therapy, which I gave up on after a couple of years. I am trying to find a new therapist, but same as with trying to quit again and again, it is so difficult to believe it can work this time and find the motivation for change.
Weed is illegal where I live and even though my therapist suggested a prescription for medical weed, I refuse since 1. I still want to quit 2. It’s so much more expensive when bought legally.
So now that I’m writing this it’s one of those times my dealer is busy and I cannot smoke. Good time to try to quit, I always tell myself. Good to try and stretch the time between smoking as much as possible at least.
The most difficult part is probably the social circle. I have poor social skills and almost no friends, as many people today, and most of my old friends were tired of me always being sad, in some sort of emotional or financial trouble, usually both. I can’t blame them, but it drove me apart from a small friend group I did have in the past, and I think I’m still bitter.
Recently I opened up to friend who wasn’t really familiar with my struggles, but he was prying and I when I opened up, I made him cry sooo much. It made me even more depressed to be honest. I know it’s selfish, I know other people will not give me advice or try and find solutions, because they don’t want to take responsibility for me and be more involved in my life than necessary. But I would like not to be alone with it all. Sometimes I think of finding a partner just for this reason, even though I know it’s so wrong and that you should want the person, not the function they could have in your life. It would be so much easier though just to find a person to share rent and my worries with.
Everyone I meet and everyone who knows me knows about my addiction, all my family too, even though no one except for my mum really cares about me. I always say it fast, since it’s so obvious I just prefer to be upfront. I know it’s so so so wrong, but honestly, on days like this, when I’m just crying all day for no other reason than not smoking, I wish so badly someone else would care about me. This is no one else’s responsibility than mine, I know, and I can’t expect random normal people to know what to do with a 10+ year addiction. I just wish so so badly that I wasn’t alone.
I try to imagine people who post here, so it’s a bit like group therapy lol
Sending lots of love to all in the same boat wherever you are ❤️