most random moment of clarity
i was 2 weeks clean, that didn’t last obviously. i’ve been telling my husband im clean, im not.
tonight, we were rewatching a show we used to love years ago. i remember so well how hard we used to laugh at it and how we looked forward to it. tonight while the show played, i was too fucking tweaked out of my mind on a dangerously high dose of adderall to even care about it, and instead i was just engrossed in playing some dumb game on my phone i’d been locked in on for hours. he was even looking over at me every once in a while to see if i was laughing with him, and i could see the disappointment on his face when he saw that i didn’t seem to care.
i miss sharing moments with people i love, without having the back of my mind screaming at me to take more pills every five seconds. i miss being able to sit and do the simple things, like watching tv to relax, and talking just to talk.
i know it’ll take me a long time to get there, but i really hope that one day i’ll be able to watch tv just to watch it with him, not because that’s what my tweaked out brain decided to lock in on. i’m gonna try to throw the pills out, and tell the truth to my husband. he deserves the person i used to be.