u/Gold_Particular_766

i’ve had ongoing depression since i was 14/15, im 20 now and been stuck in a brutal depressive episode since the start of the quarter. i’ve seen many therapists and tried different meds over the years, and i started a new therapist and new meds when the quarter started but i feel worse than ever.

i’m very academically and professionally motivated, i have a gpa of 3.89 and a major gpa of 3.98, im a board member of a club, have a part time job, landed an internship on a local election campaign, and i have prospects of going to law school. the fear of failure has been powering me through all of this but i feel like i just can’t do it anymore. my motivation is slipping, i’m not as strong of a student i used to be and that just makes me not want to try even more bc i feel like i’ve already started my downward trajectory to failure.

i don’t want to do any of this anymore, the studying, the extracurriculars, the internships, but taking a gap quarter/year is completely off the table for me. i feel like it will make me feel infinitely worse about myself and my life. but i’ve never been so miserable and it leaves me feeling like if these are my only two options, i don’t understand why i should even be doing any of this anymore.

being a college student with depression is hard. trying to set up a good future for myself is hard when most days when i don’t even want a future. i have tried to reach out for help but none of it has worked.

sorry for being a downer on here. i don’t know what to do. any advice? :(

i’m so tired, i’m still very early in recovery (a bit over a month) but im genuinely so tired. having to feed myself has become such a chore, but every time i start eating it feels like i can’t stop and then the guilt sets in. i still have three meals and a few snacks whenever i get peckish bc the hunger is something i can no longer suppress. but it’s just all so tiring, i wish i didn’t have a body and mind that makes a mere necessity of survival the biggest issue in my life.

restrictive eating made my depression so much worse and i started feeling a lot better after increasing my intake. but as of late i feel like i’m equally as depressed as i was deep in my ed but it’s just a different kind of depression. i feel my body changing, i don’t have the emotional crutch that restricting provided me, there is so much guilt. the thought of food, eating, my body, my existence, it all makes me so depressed. eat until i’m not hungry anymore, both mentally and physically, but then i start feeling worse than before i ate.

i tried seeing a social worker specializing in eds and it didn’t help at all. it kinda made me feel worse tbh. i’ve lost nearly all faith in professional mental health treatment after 5+ years of different therapists, types of therapy, psychiatrists, medications… none of it has helped. but anyways just needed a place to rant :’)