u/Glittering-Wind1031

My entire life I have been shamed and restricted from being myself and doing what I want to do under threat of being hunted. But I have been hunted, anyway. What is the point of keeping myself small when it will not protect me from still being abused, controlled, and yes, sometimes stalked? Those who claim to be my support system do not protect me when the time comes, and I am typically scolded or yelled at, instead, because anything negative that happens to me, is my fault.

Everything bad that happens to me, they seem to brainstorm reasons to rationalize what happened, because of something I did, or failed to do, and I am never protected, not unless it is in somebody else’s best interest. I could be undeniably assaulted right now, and the police would find a reason to yell at me, my family and peers would probably scold me for something or another, as well. I could be murdered, and I would not be surprised if they gossiped at my funeral that it may not have happened had I been “nicer”, as passive as I already am. Their favorite line for me is that it is my fault for being involved with the “wrong” people. They never believe anything I say. They choose not to.

It makes me angry to think that I am so scared of being myself and being seen being myself, when the assumed consequences are no different from what is already my reality. I want to eat! I want to dance! I want to be sexy! I just want to be free, and happy, for once.

Why is it that my sexuality should only exist when a man decides he wants to take it from me? My sexuality is not the main part of me, and at the same time, it is an undeniable piece of me that cannot just be shunned away in the shadows. I should not have to decide on one or the other just to be valid in my existence. I am human.

No matter how often I get scared and quit, this is what my heart is screaming. I am starting to realize this may be about more than just a job for me. Whatever this is, I am definitely growing in some way. I am not just a “cam girl”, I am a woman who is many things, who enjoys camming, and many other things that also do not individually define her, alone.

I have nobody to talk to about these feelings who do not rationalize the things I have been through in one way or another, do not have biases about female freedom and sexuality, and just tell me to continue staying small, but that is not what I need to hear. But what is it that my heart needs to finally be strong? I have no frame of reference for these feelings. I feel lost, and ignorant.

One of the things I struggle with as a cam girl is wanting to exist casually in other spaces, as well, but seeing a lot of women doing this already, and people gossiping that she is “only trying to draw people into her onlyfans” and “is not a real [sfw niche]”. They will genuinely hate her. It is disgusting to me.

It does not make me feel ashamed as much as it makes me feel… hatred? And if the majority of people are really like that, then… I guess I hate them? I am not sure if that is the feeling, but, I cannot help but see it as collective controlling and abuse. Who cares if we happen to enjoy our sexuality in the appropriate spaces, as well as, say, making art, or studying history in *their* appropriate spaces… as if normal everyday people are not also juggling their own sexual and non-sexual lives…

I have this image in my head, of dividing my sfw between Twitch, YouTube, and TikTok, doing art, video essays, playing video games, maybe even doing mukbangs. I want to learn the guitar and eventually write music. I do not want to sexualize myself while doing these things. And then, in my nsfw, play on my cam site, post saucy stuff on my adult-friendly platforms, draw naughty comics and sell them, maybe other things.

I believe that I have the right to do both. So long as I am not not making everything about sex, or going out of my way to market my sexuality in every space, and am keeping everything where it belongs, I feel nobody has the right to say anything on it, and I feel that way about other women who also do both, they deserve to exist. We all have the right to exist. I am simply a normal person who also likes sex *and* hobbies just like most of everyone else… And that anybody who has a problem with it, are sticking their noses where they do not being and should have no say.

Now if only this side of me can devour the anxious side that does not want to let me commit 😅

Edit - slight wording to be more inclusive to asexuals because I do not mean to say I am normal because I am sexual I mean to say I am a normal person who happens to be sexual like many other normal people. Whatever normal is.

I am so susceptible to bullying and being taken advantage of, even though I’ve learned how to enforce boundaries, it still gets to be too much, at times. And I interact differently from other people, as well, so I end up disappointing a lot of people who have premade expectations of me being like a “normal” cam girl, and it attracts more bullies… but I have difficulty masking. I am trying not to give up because so many people have watched me start over countless times, and it feels like I have completely ruined everything with my extreme anxiety. I was hoping I may not be the only person who has gone through it and if not, if somebody could tell me how they got through it and how it worked out for them?

It is like a horse head mask but it is a bit more realistic and less goofy. I will not be doing any animal related role playing (or any role playing) with it, it would be solely to conceal my identity. I am aware they have an issue with clown makeup.

I tried to make this into a funny story about how I put so much effort and care into not injuring my clitoris, just to wind up injuring my foot instead, and that I was too embarrassed to tell my boyfriend that I injured my foot due to masturbation, but people decided that I was masturbating for free and hiding my job from my boyfriend, decided to scold me for it, and demand explanations from me. So, if you masturbate a lot for your job, and you are worried about injuring your clitoris or vagina, just keep in mind that you can injure other parts of your body too.

I would also like to say that if I were hiding my job from my boyfriend, it would be because I was in a non-safe environment. And, if I were in such a situation, which I am not, I would not want to work myself up emotionally to explain the details of it in order to comfort a demanding stranger. I am at least sure that some women will know where I am coming from.