husband will not stop watching
i caught my husband watching porn AGAIN. i’ve caught him many times in the act and many more times by looking through his phone. i’ve begged him to stop for years. i’ve even left him twice and he swore it would stop and begged for me back. every time i catch him he swears he will stop and try to get help. the last two times i’ve caught him, i haven’t even gotten an apology. he just tells me i should be happy because most men cheat on their wives or beat them and he caters to me and lets me be a stay at home wife doing whatever i want to do and spend as much of his money as i want. all of which is true, he has been the perfect husband aside from the porn until recently.
i haven’t eaten since i caught him two days ago. i haven’t slept. my heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest and i feel like i can barely breath. i don’t know what to do. he doesn’t want me to bring it up. he will not have a conversation about it. i can get maybe a 2-4 minute conversation out of him and then he’s done until the next time i catch him. i’ve been extremely extremely supportive of him and understanding. i even agreed that i wouldn’t get mad about porn as long as he didn’t hide it any longer. i’ve had a horrible gut feeling for the past week or so, so i decided to do a deep dive into his phone after opening his browsing history and seeing zero porn history. turns out he had been watching porn daily and finding it on reddit as well. the girls in the videos/photos look similar to me. i don’t understand why he can’t just look at me. look at photos/videos of me.
will it ever stop? i’m so in love with him and i can’t even imagine leaving him, but i know i can not live like this. i can not spend my entire day worrying about what he’s doing or spend hours of my day searching his phone. everytime i catch him, i spiral into the worst depression. i don’t eat, i don’t sleep, i don’t do anything but stare at the wall and download the data off of his phone to analyze every single detail. does he even love me? i don’t even know why he keeps me around just to continue doing this and hurting me.
it sounds so bad and the porn part is so bad. aside from the porn he is literally the most perfect husband anyone could ever ask for. i don’t think i could ever find anyone who even came close to him (minus the porn). how can i stop myself from caring about porn? how can i make him stop watching it? i need something to change.. i don’t know
i’m sorry for the rambling and bad grammar/punctuation. i can’t even think straight at the moment.