Hi! If you saw this ad for the devil cactus… would you consider it? (Not selling here, just sharing the ad I plan to use for purposes of humor.)
The devil cactus
Welcome. Cactus for sale. For the low low price of $50- YOU could be the proud new owner of a minion of Satan.
Spawned by the devil in the lowest pits of hell- where the dark lord himself became riddled with regret. What started as a tiny wee paddle in a miniature pot has now become a behemoth of doom. This little cactus, fueled by Kraft cheese (ew) and its loathing for humanity, has made chaos and agony its life’s work.
After 6 failed exorcisms and one missing priest… I have decided it is time to part with my most devoutly evil houseplant. Whether a gift for an unsuspecting enemy (mother-in-law?) or a hearty addition to your own garden of loathing. This cactus will do the trick!
This warning is not made in jest- you WILL want thick gloves that go up your arms- perhaps even a knights armor complete with chainmail. But don’t be attached to them- the devil cactus’ barbs are just as evil as the host- having impaled plastic, wood, and ceramic. But the true depth of depravity is that the spikes of the devil cactus cannot be seen well by the naked eye. Nor my eyes with glasses. My tweezer- wholly ineffective. Duct tape- but even more preferably gorilla or trex tape to attempt removal. I could liken the sensation to if Velcro got an STD, fiberglass on roids, and the despair of your first breakup. Agony that does not dissipate quickly. Shards of your now broken confidence left under the skin to torture you later when you move wrong or brush up against something. Reigniting your new found regret for purchasing the devil cactus, reminding you who is really in charge now.
Notice how it is leaning out of its pot, I believe beginning its quest for a new soul to torture. There will be no turning back. Sale is final.
*Reasonable offers of money or protection may be entertained. 😂