Context: My boyfriend is 18M and im 18F
TW: mention of SA, r*pe and ED’s
Me n my boyfriend have been together for about 2 months now - and weve started getting more comfortable with eachother sexually, Its all smooth sailing until it comes to me reciprocating and doing things to him.
I had a VERY overdue breakup with my ex-girlfriend last year that got me kinda drunk with freedom and triggered my mania (i have severe add/adhd and am medicated) so i went on a “date”which led to me fawning and ultimately being sexually assaulted/raped - my first ever sexual experience with a man after only ever being with women sexually.
This obviously fucked me up pretty bad, As well as my previous relationship being forced and guilt-tripped into doing things i was not comfortable with as it was my first relationship EVER and for a good portion of that relationship was riddled with anorexia and almost debilitating body dysmorphia.
We’ve spoken about our boundaries, sexual histories and my identity as a bisexual woman many times and hes AMAZING at reassuring me its okay, i dont need to rush into anything im not comfortable with and to take my time. But still, whenever things are getting heated and he suggests something or asks something and i decline, the fucked up lil demon in my head brings me back to these experiences and i feel so embarrassed and frustrated with myself about being scared to do anything to him.
The internal embarrassment i have over “letting” myself be assaulted and that being my only experience men makes me feel horrible, because i love him and literally all i want is to make him feel good i just dont know how to approach it. Do i just wait until i finally feel comfortable one day and keep him waiting until then or do i literally just do it next time he asks if i want to regardless of how scared i am??? a mix of both???? idk.
So elder bisexuals or people who have overcome their fears around men sexually after assault, please drop sum knowledge 🙏🙏🙏💕💕💕