I, 34 female is with my boyfriend 35male. we have been together for almost 2 years. Little background, he is from Jamaica and I am from the states. he grew up in Jamaca and came to the states when he was around 21. I was a military brat and have always been adaptable and have experienced many different cultures. we had our first child together in March. I have 2 older children from previous relationships. We currently live together.
The Issue: before the baby was born, he would spend every Saturday night to Sunday midday with his cousin. this is EVERY Saturday. it was not like this when we first got together. we had quality time-we used to talk and be really intuned. I’m an empath and read feelings very well. I’ve said something many times. this bothers me so much. the day we brought the baby home-he went out (stayed out all night got alcohol poisoning and then called me from the hospital). I was pissed. I didn’t sign up to be a single parent. he recently lost his job, which I took as an opportunity for him to build up his skill set-he says “I’m do it” and never does but complains about not having money and being so “stressed”. we have had multiple conversations about me carrying most of the emotional and physical weight of the relationship while also carrying my children, my dad, and myself. i believe he has a drinking issue as he wakes up with a beer and goes to bed with one. no matter the time-he will drink a beer. I have also brought this concern up as I have lived with an alcoholic. my dad was an alcoholic until he got super sick. so I know the signs and he is throwing every red flag in the world when it comes to drinking. I digress, my postpartum period has been hell. the baby is really good and rarely cries and I love her so much and I want to hold and cuddle her any chance I get, but I’m exhauste. I do everything at night and in the daytime for the baby. I’m up feeding, changing, and rocking her while he snores loudly beside me. I only get about 2-4 hours of sleep a night( I have insomnia and need medication to go to sleep. he is a wild sleeper and we co-sleep so I always have the baby tucked in my arms(I do not change positions or move in my sleep-plus I sleep extremely light due to fear of something happening with the baby. if I wake him up at night to “watch“ the baby or to help with the baby-he falls asleep( I actually times how long it took him to fall asleep and it was 1min and 30 secs before he started snorin). Since he leaves every weekend and sometimes he is out late during the week-I’m still doing it all. if I wanted to be a single mother again, I wouldn’t have gotten in a relationship and just had another baby. I am self sufficient and always have been so being a single parent is nothing new. I do not recieve any help from my older kids fathers and I was ok because I have my family who play giant roles in their lives. i do not shower when I want, I do not eat when I want, I have to ask someone to watch the baby if I want to go anywhere alone ( I have yet to go anywhere alone as he is usually always gone). he doesn’t want me to leave the baby with my almost 15 year old son as he is scared “something might happen”. I won’t leave the baby with the kids because it’s not their responsibilit. they are siblings-not miniature parents. they asled for a sister not a daughter. When he (babydaddy) is here he is only physically present. like his body is here-but his mind is not. if he is not scrolling his phon, he is in the bathroom for hours-pooping-showering-these happen twice a day (unless he is spending the night at his cousins house) for atleast 2-3 hours each time. as a nurse I know it does not take 2 hours to shit even when extremely constipated. he swears I’m his first priority but his actions are showing different. I have to ask him to feed the baby, or change her diaper. he has only changed her clothes maybe once or twice. I will admit that he does the laundry-weeelu which is nice as I hate laundry, but I do everything else. i have a cleaner come in every other week because he says we are “messy”. fine I’ll take that. I’m not the most organized person and tend to hide in my bedroom because I’m so overwhelmed and overstimulated. we have had many arguments about the kids as he believes they must be little soldiers with no feelings. he dosent believe in picking your battles with kids. for example my 9 year old was playing in the baby bassinet with a stuffed animal dressing it. I didn’t care-everything was clean and she wasn’t hurting anything. he wanted her to stop “fucking” with shit. I immediately asked my daughter to leave me room and after she left I told him not to do that shit. that she wasn’t hurting anything so it shouldnt matte. I also told him to not talk to my kids like he has lost his damn mind-I will go to war for mine. me and my kids are extremly close as I have been the sole parent. both kids will come to my room and tell me about their school day and what’s going on with them. babydaddy finds this to be inconvenient but I don’t care. most teens stop talking to their parents any this age so for him to still be coming to me-I’m honored he still wants to talk. I also have a dog. he doesbt like dogs-I had dogs before him and will continue to have them. my dog is extremely submissive and will stick to me like glue especially when scared. the other day he threw something at her-she screamed and went to hide in a corner. he scared her so much she was laying in her own piss crouched by the bathroom door. I cursed him out after calming down my dog and making her feel safe. she returned to her usual self but avoids him like the plague. I told him a scared dog is a biting dog. you may be bigger than her, but that won’t stop her if she wants to maul your ass as you have taken her to far. not too long ago he asked me to go to the court house and get married that day. I said no. I love him with all my heart but love can only take you so far. my love language is acts of service and he can’t or will not love me how I need to be loved. I used to speak his love language (gift giving and physical touch) I have stopped both-not because I don’t love him but because I’m already on E with me giving all my energy to the kids. I don’t even have anything for myself. I feel like I’m pouring into everyone’s cup form a cup that’s damn bear empty. t this point im having thoughts of just ending the relationship as my needs are not being met. I don’t need him to support me financially as I have that covered and that truly bothers him. the fact that I make more money than him. I had no choice but to get my life together as I had children depending on me before I met him. he has no children beside the one that we have together. I’m so tired of doing this alone when he is supposed to be on this journey with me. i believe it would be easier for me to be resigned to being a single parent rather than have the hope that he will show up. he is so inconsisten. he says one thing and does something else and after 2 years I can’t do this anymore. I have felt myself withdraw and shut down. I am currently 6 weeks (give or take) postpartum and I’m still bleeding. he has been asking for sex and I have been saying no. not because I don’t wan t sex, but because for 1 I’m still bleeding, 2 I have not been cleared by the doctor, 3 I do not feel the intimacy. I do not feel emotionally safe with his as he always says I’m overreacting or brushes my feelings to the side, so my body doesn’t react. it’s like getting a kiss from your grandpa not the same love and care I used to feel. I am thinking about continuing this life as a single parent on without him. Am I overreactin??????