Things are getting so much worse
Last time I posted I was trying to recover. And that went well for about two weeks before I went to my dad’s house for spring break. After we had dropped my half-siblings at their mom’s house and my other bulimic sister (who was skinner than me and still purging which was a trigger) showed me her scale. And I stepped on it and saw a number I did not want to see. So I went to a very bad b/p cycle for the next 8-12 days.
My throat and stomach hurts so bad. The only thing that got me to stop is that I had seen a little bit of blood. But after 3-6 days I went right back. And I kept on because in my gym class we had to weigh ourselves and I had lost weight. So I felt good and proud.
But then I tried to recover again and fell into a disassociated depressed episode. Which allowed me to eat without food noise but I was so miserable. Then around three days ago my depressive episode got so bad I cut myself for the first time.
I haven’t SH since 6th grade, and even then it was light burning. And today is so much worse as I b/p 4 times and I saw a little bit of blood when I SH (I don’t go very deep thankfully) so now I am so lost. I’m not even sure if I want to get better. I’m not sure if I can tell my mom but I don’t want her to find out.
Because like 3 days ago I told her I had been clean for 2 weeks. And she went into a rants about how “Thats nothing compared to the almost year I’ve been struggling with Bulimia” and how I “Am giving myself a life long problem” and that she “Needs to keep me under close eye again.” So that made me feel so shitty even though 2 weeks was the longest I had ever been clean for. Which me and my friends were proud of.
But another things is that my throat is constantly sore, and my chest. There has been so much chest pain for me. Pressure pain, burning pain, squeezing pain, and stopping pain. And my throat just hurts and is sore. When I swallow literally anything. As well as fat globs of thick spit whenever I eat or drink anything. So I don’t know what to do about that. And body dysmorphia is kicking my ass. I can’t look in the mirror without seeing myself looking morbidly obese. Like a swallowed 10 beach balls. And I’ve been feeling so much shame about how it’s harder for me to starve myself since I’ve actually tried to get better.
Things have gotten so much worse for me. Which is mainly my mental. I have no idea what to do now. I feel like I can’t tell my mom. And the one person who is there for me always, my best friend, is also going through her own mental shit. So I just don’t know what to do and everything feels so heavy. Sorry for spelling or grammar errors I’m probably not going to fix them.