I love feeling sad
It sounds weird but because I feel emptiness or sadness most of the time and for so long, it just started to feel normal and something I’m used to.
Without that constant state of sadness,numbness, emptiness. It feels unstable, unsafe, scary, anxiety inducing. Because if all I’ve ever known was this lingering sadness in me, and happiness and other feelings were just a thing that comes and goes. Isn’t it only natural to like that feeling of sadness and wanting to stay in that state all the time. It’s scary when a feeling like happiness could be gone in an instant, stolen from you. So it’s scary to think about it, and feeling that wave of joy knowing you’ll go back to being depressed afterwards, that itself feels more depressing.
To me sadness feels like a blanket over me, it feels heavy, a pressure on my chest, yet it makes me feel all cozy and warm. Of course there are times where I feel so sad and depressed it physically hurts, but 90% of the time it feels like a comforting level of sadness/numbness I feel all the time. Even then, I like feeling super depressed at times because it’s one of the only times I get to feel something apart from emptiness, like a stabbing type of emotional pain.
It gets to a point where I can’t name or tell my emotions apart because I got so used to this constant numbing state that I forgot what any other emotions felt like or felt to me. Just emptiness