u/Glad-Expression-1447

Context:
Getting married very soon and my mother will be coming from abroad, she doesn’t speak English or local language.

Im trying to keep the guest list small with only people I would love to see on that special day unfortunately my in laws have a guest list of their own. They know how I feel about inviting random people I don’t know but in their “tradition” you should extend the invitation to certain people even tho they are not related in any way to the couple.

So far I have been very flexible with them and I have accepted these guests against my will just for the sake of avoiding any problems. But even after a serious conversation that made my feelings very clear about this topic I received an affirmative RSVP of 4 people I didn’t invite and I was livid.
They didn’t even ask.

The reason why those people were invited is because the daughter speaks the same language as my mom and she could keep her company.
I appreciate the good intentions but once again they overstepped the boundaries and went against my wishes. I’m feeling completely ignored.

I know the people who are invited and as much as they are nice and kind I simply don’t want them there. We are not close to them and they are not close to my in-laws either. Just some people we know through other people and we meet 1-2 a year when there is some kind of big reunion.

My FIL says that it will be embarrassing to uninvite them and it is going to ruin the relationship. I think that’s dramatic as there is no relationship to be ruined. And he should have thought about it before inviting them without my permission.
My fiance doesn’t care too much and doesn’t think is a big issue if these people come.
I don’t have anything personal against them but I feel powerless over my own wedding and I’ll be upset with myself if I give in.

At the same time I feel bad for the girl and her family because it’s obviously not their fault and it’s going to be awkward for them too.

Am I overreacting? Am I exaggerating? Should I just let everyone come?

Nobody thinks my in laws personal guest list is a big deal except me just because “that’s how it is”

Context:
Getting married very soon and my mother will be coming from abroad, she doesn’t speak English or local language.

Im trying to keep the guest list small with only people I would love to see on that special day unfortunately my in laws have a guest list of their own. They know how I feel about inviting random people I don’t know but in their “tradition” you should extend the invitation to certain people even tho they are not related in any way to the couple.

So far I have been very flexible with them and I have accepted these guests against my will just for the sake of avoiding any problems. But even after a serious conversation that made my feelings very clear about this topic I received an affirmative RSVP of 4 people I didn’t invite and I was livid.
They didn’t even ask.

The reason why those people were invited is because the daughter speaks the same language as my mom and she could keep her company.
I appreciate the good intentions but once again they overstepped the boundaries and went against my wishes. I’m feeling completely ignored.

I know the people who are invited and as much as they are nice and kind I simply don’t want them there. We are not close to them and they are not close to my in-laws either. Just some people we know through other people and we meet 1-2 a year when there is some kind of big reunion.

My FIL says that it will be embarrassing to uninvite them and it is going to ruin the relationship. I think that’s dramatic as there is no relationship to be ruined. And he should have thought about it before inviting them without my permission.
My fiance doesn’t care too much and doesn’t think is a big issue if these people come.
I don’t have anything personal against them but I feel powerless over my own wedding and I’ll be upset with myself if I give in.

At the same time I feel bad for the girl and her family because it’s obviously not their fault and it’s going to be awkward for them too.

Am I overreacting? Am I exaggerating? Should I just let everyone come?

Nobody thinks my in laws personal guest list is a big deal except me just because “that’s how it is”

EDIT:

Hello OP here, I’ve come to answer some questions and to share my final decision.

1.My in laws are not paying for everything but they are happy to help with some expenses, however I would rather pay everything myself and do it my way.

2. I’m not making a big deal out of 4 people. There’s a guest list of about 20 people that they have invited and I agreed even if it didn’t please me. I was assured that was all and now those 4 people without even asking was just the last drop.

3.No the parents of the girl don’t speak the language, only she does. But as I said my mom speaks Spanish and she’ll have plenty of people to talk to. I’m not trying to isolate her.

4.I consider myself to be a reasonable person and for this reason I have compromised on multiple things (agreeing to a wedding, 20 unknown guest, date of the wedding, videographer and table setting).

5. My fiance doesn’t have strong feelings about this. He has spoken to his parents about the situation and expressed our feelings but at the same time hasn’t shut them down. The ways he sees it is that it’s a wedding and this is just how they go, and we should do X and Y because that’s how weddings are, he doesn’t really realize that’s is also his day and he can do whatever he pleases (guests, music, food, dance) I have told him multiple times that we can do whatever he wants if he thinks it’s fun for him even if it’s not the “standard”

6. It does cost extra money per plate/guest however here the wedding gift given to the couple is usually money (enough to cover for yourself) It’s not about the money it’s about looking at the picture and not knowing who are those strangers

I want to say that I never wanted a wedding party, I would much rather elope but I let everyone convince me that we MUST do a wedding because that’s how life goes. I agreed on the party as long as it was small and intimate, I don’t like to be the center of attention and I find weddings very performative. But as the time passes I feel like we have lost control

I have spoken with my mom and even she agrees that FIL overstepped and those people shouldn’t have been invited as she would never do that. However she BEGGED ME for the sake of my relationship with my FIL not to uninvite them.

Final decision:

I’ll let them come.

Once again I’ll put my head down to make somebody else happy instead of choosing my own happiness. On my wedding day. The only day where I feel like the bride gets a free pass for anything. But out of respect for him and for the love they have for me I won’t “embarrass” him in front of those people. They accepted me as their own daughter when my own family is far away, even though family also needs boundaries.

Anyway those people are not at fault to be put in an awkward situation. And I have already given up on so many things so f*ck it. 20-24 whatever. They can do as they wish, it’s their wedding now.

Unfortunately I am a resentful person and I don’t forget things easily so I will have to work on myself and try to just accept it.

Last talk I had with FIL was when he was informing me that he had to invite his boss and I told him clearly that it’s not okay. He saw I was very upset about the general situation to the point where he started to feel guilty so at the end I had to be the one comforting him for making me uncomfortable. Which is crazy Anyway I’ll have another talk with him and this time I do want him to feel guilty/uncomfortable. If I’m uncomfortable now we all gonna be uncomfortable together.

I’m feeling very conflicted because I can’t tell if I’m making a big deal out of it or if I should be assertive and set a boundary. Honestly I think I will regret either decision.

Thank you all for your input and let me know what you think or what would you do