I posted a few days ago but got accused of being a bot and got deleted, but whatever. It gives me an opportunity to post it again but this time with text from my original post from last year. This way I can give more insight on my marriage and hopefully the ones who accused me of not loving my wife can see that I did indeed love my wife.
This will be a long post and below is what I basically wrote a year ago.
Last year: My wife (39F) and I (40M) have been married for 19 years and have 2 kids. I can’t even remember exactly when this happened anymore, 7 or 8 years ago, I think? My wife came out as asexual to me. I was surprised, to say the least. Yes, her libido had been down over the past few years, but we had a baby not long before she made this revelation, she had gone through cancer a few years earlier, and we bought a house. That’s a lot of life changes in just 4-5 years.
To give some context, we’ve been married for almost 20 years. We married young, while we were still in college. We had a child in our first year of marriage, started our careers, and then, about 8 years in, my wife was diagnosed with cancer. Fortunately, she beat it and has been cancer-free since. Eleven years into our marriage, we had our second child after years of trying and bought our second home. It was around our 10th year when I started to notice that we barely had sex anymore, maybe 2 times a month, if that. Prior to that, our sex life had been pretty healthy. Yes, we had dry spells, but nothing long enough to make me feel like it was something to complain about. We both have jobs, I get it… everyone’s tired, and we have kids. But this felt different. I would try initiating, but she kept rejecting me, and I respected that. When I would ask her what was wrong, the answer was always the same: she was tired or just not in the mood. I didn’t push the issue too much but it was frustrating.
I want to point out that I’m not perfect, and I would never claim to be. Have I gone days or weeks without calling her beautiful or telling her how amazing she is? Yes, I have, and I acknowledge that. But when I notice it, I do my best to make up for it. We go out regularly, I take her to dinner, buy her flowers, never forget birthdays or anniversaries, and surprise her with little gifts. Again, I’m far from perfect, but I think I’m a decent husband, and a very good father. She’d never disagree with that.
So, back on track: this continued for about 3-4 years, and I initially thought it was due to the stress of trying for our second child, so I didn’t push. She would always say “no,” and I figured she didn’t want to stress me out. Then, after our daughter was born, I thought it was postpartum, but a few more years passed, and she said it wasn’t that either. During all this, she was going to therapy, and I was attending therapy for my own past traumas. So we were both dealing with things but had talked through it.
Then came the night I’ll never forget. I tried to initiate, and she rejected me again. I got upset, not yelling, but I told her that if she wasn’t attracted to me anymore, why was she still with me? She broke down in tears like I had never seen before. She hugged me and said that she was just as in love with me as she ever was. I couldn’t believe it and thought she was just saying that to comfort me. But then she dropped the bomb. She told me that the idea of sex no longer did anything for her. For the past few years, she’d been faking it. That was the hardest gut punch I’d ever received. I was devastated and genuinely thought my marriage was over. But she told me that it wasn’t about me or my performance, it was just that she no longer had any interest in sex with me, anyone or anything. She had been wrestling with how to bring it up. She then said, “I love you, and it would be selfish of me to ask you to stay with me and deprive you of that intimacy. I don’t want to leave you, and I hope you don’t leave me, but I understand if you do. If you decide to stay, I give you permission to find a sexual partner or relationship that can satisfy that need for you. I don’t need to know details, and I don’t need to meet this person. Just come home, don’t get sick, don’t miss your responsibilities at home, and love me the same way you do. I won’t interfere, and I won’t ask any questions.”
Prior to this, I would have never believed these words could come out of her mouth. She used to think flirting was cheating and told me that if I cheated, she would divorce me without question. So, yeah, that was a major turning point.
This was 7 years ago. Have I found another partner yet? Short answer: no. Have I come close? No. But it’s complicated. I’ve wrestled with this for a long time. I know some men would consider this a blessing, but it wasn’t something I was looking for. My wife and I have had sex a few times since, but deep down I know it’s probably out of pity, and I don’t really enjoy it because I know she doesn’t. I’ve had opportunities to find someone else, but I’ve always found a reason not to follow through.
The first opportunity came a few months after I was given the “pass.” It was with a good friend of mine, let’s call her Mandy. Both Mandy and I were around 33 at the time, had been platonic friends for a while, but after the “pass,” we started spending more time together. Eventually, I told her about my situation, though I never intended for it to be about her. She was the first person I ever confided in. As time went on, I started having a crush on her, and I eventually told her how I felt. She didn’t feel the same at that time, she was going through a lot with her career and mental health. Soon after, she moved to another state. She told me she wanted to cut off contact with everyone in her life, and I respected that decision. Later, I learned from a mutual friend that she had strong feelings for me, but I didn’t know it at the time. It was probably for the best. But I still think about her sometimes, and I miss my friend.
A few years later, probably around early 2022 or so, I had another opportunity with a former colleague, let’s call her Lauren. Lauren (probably about 37 and I’m 37 as well) was married, but we had kept in touch over the years. One night, after a dinner with friends, it was just the two of us left, and we were talking openly. She shared that she was unhappy in her marriage, and I told her my wife and I weren’t having sex, not exactly sharing the full details yet with her. Afterward, she kissed me. It had been over 20 years since I kissed another woman, and it was both exhilarating and sad. It felt thrilling because here was this gorgeous woman making the first move, but it was also sad because I wasn’t looking for this. We made out for a while, but it didn’t go any further. We didn’t sleep together, but we continued to talk, and though she wasn’t planning to have an affair, we both felt guilty. We never crossed that line, but I guess she emotionally cheated. We’re still friends and we’ve kissed and hung out a few times after, but I know I could never truly be with someone who was married short of it being a situation like mine (it wasn’t). I used to think a relationship with a married person could work, but I’ve come to realize I don’t want to be a homewrecker. She wanted to though, but I made the decision not to go further.
And that brings us to now. There’s Andrea. Andrea (35F) is a colleague, which complicates things further. Andrea and I have been colleagues for 15 years. She is one of the most impressive women I’ve ever met. She’s smart (intimidatingly so and I’m no dummy), funny, breathtakingly beautiful, and just an all-around amazing person and great friend. I see her and she instantly brightens my day. I’ve had a crush on her from the moment I met her, like I couldn’t speak when she was around me, but that’s all it’s ever been. As we’ve gotten closer the last few years I’ve told her about my situation, she’s one of maybe five people who know. But I can’t bring myself to tell her how I feel. She’s my coworker, and I can’t risk the rejection and the potential fallout to our friendship. I respect her too much to make it awkward.
So here I am, stuck in this mess.
I don’t know what to do with the “hall pass” I was given. I can’t explain this whole situation to someone on a date. I can’t act like I’m single, and if I say I’m married, I’ll be labeled a creep. I don’t know how to navigate this. I miss sex, and I really like Andrea, but I don’t want to lose her as a friend. My life is a mess, and that’s without getting into other tragic things that have happened to me. I just really don’t know what to do.
I’m not here to complain about my wife, I love her, and she’s great. But I do miss sex. I wish life were simpler. I just needed to vent.
Lastly, to anyone wondering why I won’t just leave my wife: I love her. I’m still in love with her. She’s incredible, thoughtful,
compassionate, an amazing mother, and just an all-around wonderful person. If she wasn’t any of those things, I would have left long ago. And no, my wife till this day has never asked me about another woman or another relationship. She has held up her end of the deal.
Now to the current update:
My life took quite a turn.
Andrea and I are getting married later this summer, and we just found out she’s pregnant.
A little after I made my original post, I realized I was falling in love with her, and I couldn’t keep living in that gray area anymore. I knew that if I wanted to pursue something real with her, I had to be honest about my marriage first, even before I knew if anything would actually happen between us.
So I sat down with my wife and told her the truth: that I loved her, but I couldn’t keep going like this. It was one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had. She fought for us, and I respect her deeply for that. But in the end, she also understood that the lack of intimacy and the situation we’d been living in for years was taking a real emotional toll on me and also her to be honest.
As painful as it was, we handled it as respectfully and amicably as possible. We agreed on everything, kids, assets, all of it, and I moved out about two weeks later.
After that, I asked Andrea to lunch. I had always said she intimidated me; her intelligence, her confidence, everything about her, but not that day. That day, I just knew what I had to say.
I told her everything. That I had separated from my wife, that I was in love with her, and that I didn’t want to pressure her… but I wanted to see if there could be something between us.
And she told me she loved me too.
She said she never thought anything would happen, I had always been so firm about my marriage, but the feelings had been there for a long time. So we decided to give it a real chance.
From that point on, things moved quickly, but honestly, it never felt rushed. We already knew each other so well. We skipped the awkward stages and just… fit. I moved in within a few weeks, proposed six months later, and now we’re getting married in August. She has a son, who I plan to adopt, and now we’re expecting a baby together.
A year ago, I felt completely stuck. Now my life looks entirely different.
My ex-wife and I are still on good terms, we’re actually very good friends. I see my kids all the time. It’s not always easy, and I still care about her deeply. We didn’t end because of hate or betrayal, we ended because something fundamental wasn’t working. She was my first love, and a part of me will always love her. I truly want the best for her.
I didn’t expect a “happy ending,” and honestly, I’m still a little shocked by how it all turned out.
Life is messy, complicated, and sometimes completely unpredictable, but for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I’m happy.
I need to get this off my chest. Some commenters got on me for “cheating” on my wife, and to them I say how so? I left before I slept with anyone, even though I had the hall pass she gave me. I didn’t express feelings towards anyone while married, when I could have just used my pass as an excuse and left later. Was I supposed to live a life of no intimacy? I stayed because I genuinely loved my wife and my family. No one can tell me what I felt or did not feel. I gave her 7 years of no intimacy hoping things would change. Someone on here called me a coward, saying that’s the only reason I didn’t leave. I get that you don’t know me, but I stayed because I didn’t want to break up a home. But eventually I had to choose my happiness. I’ve been battling depression my whole life. My therapist had been telling me for years to choose “me,” and I was delaying the inevitable for my family regardless of my mental health.
You can think what you want, but only me and my ex-wife know the truth.