Give me one reason why I should even try to get better
40M My contract ended a week ago. No further work. My work history with numerous F**k ups + the vile sadistic apocalyptic nightmare of a so called "job market" means I am 100% guaranteed to never be accepted for any employment (including minimum wage) ever again. That is not hyperbole. 100% guaranteed and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't survive without work therefore I'll be dead in the next few years. Either on the streets or hopefully I'll gain the courage to take matters into my own hands before then.
For a week I've done literally nothing but aimlessly browse the web, eat and sleep all day. I've tried to listen to my employment advisor's well meaning advice but:
- She can't change my work history
- She can't change the so called "job market"
Utter waste of time.
My ADHD meds are stopped due to high heart rate and the consultant has just been discussing alternative meds with me and also tried to persuade me to get back on anti-depressants.
I've tried to fight the endless scrolling.
At this point though, what's the point. If I'll be dead when the money runs out I might as well just spend however long I've got left just browsing the web. Why fight it? When you have no hope of ever having a job there's not really much else you can do. Anti-depressants won't change that. ADHD meds won't change that. Why bother. I don't even know why I'm posting this.
The sadistic irony is before this nightmare started I was on the brink of finding positivity that could have enabled me to be happier than I used to be regardless job, social life, or all the conventional metrics everyone looks at. To just find contentment - or at least closer than I was. But I'd just need a job. And now that's out of the question and only death awaits. I should just it over and done with but I don't have the courage and can't do that to my parents. I know I've made mistakes but enough mistakes to end up here?! I feel a crushing mix of shame and anger