u/Girlwhoshits

A couple of nights ago, both of my partners (one i lived with, the other kind of half lived with) blocked me and left without notice while I was at work. For the first couple of days, its like there was a voice telling me I knew exactly why but not registering. For context, I have narcolepsy (I was hit in the head as a child twice with a ball and temporarily went blind for 30 seconds. Ever since then, what I was born with has felt so much worse.

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Feels like im fighting and listening to a bunch of different, past versions of myself in my head. Its so exhausting. When im at work; I pick up a sandwich with Tongs for instance. Then I want to do one thing, but the other half of me wants to do the other. Then like weird 3rd or 4th thing. I never feel at peace because my mind feels like there's these parts of me that's constantly trying to convince me to let it take over. It feels like every time I try and do the right thing, the right thing that I want to do is silent. The thought is there, but muted, with these other things screaming at me in my own mind why that thing doesn't matter.

I exhausted my partners. At night, I would crash so hard and cry, rant about how our plans with our boyfriend to our gf (bf dated us since Feb) were making me miserable, how i didnt want him to move with us. Raging jealousy over not wanting to be poly (which i have trauma with) and in those modes i would tell my gf, when I say I do want it in the morning, dont listen to me. But then, INSTANT switch when it does switch. All the different parts of me want different things. Why do my dreams and hopes switch every five minutes. My manic episodes are so awful sometimes (my bipolar also causes seizures).

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It always wants to take over, I dont know how to know what I want or not listen to it.

I used to be on 300mg of ssris and 40 mgs of antiphsychotics. The SRRIS made me so numb it was hell. It was awful.

The parts of myself won't ever stop talking, and im trapped in my head 24/7.

I have to manually focus on reality to do anything. Im better at some things at some times of the day, than others.

Im so tired of pushing people away.

I'm currently on 20mgs of antiphsychotics (helping SO MUCH)

IMPORTANT THING

I am on stimulants. Which are terrible for me, but my narcolepsy with any ssri's and antiphsychotics is awful.

Every moment of the day feels like hard work. Every. Single. Second.

I wish the other parts of me in my head would stop trying to push away everything I love (I have CPTSD).

I miss my partners.

I regret everything. And this morning, I was able to fight that part of me trying to drag me down.

I just want to be able to make a decision without a billion arguments going on in my head, pulling me put of reality at all times.

Why does this other part of me not want me to ask for help when I WANT TOO?

WHY CAN IT MUTE WHAT I REALLY WANT?

Feel free to ask as many questions as you want.

Thank you all.

Hey all, this is a bit strange for me. I'm on break at work rn. I need to talk to other bipolar individuals about this, as I've had almost no support or info on my own condition since I was diagnosed years ago.

A couple of nights ago, both of my partners (one i lived with, the other kind of half lived with) blocked me and left without notice while I was at work. For the first couple of days, I felt like I was racking my brain for the reason why. At the same time, its like there was a voice telling me I knew exactly why. For context, I have narcolepsy (i eas hit in the head as a child twice with a ball and temporarily went blind for 30 seconds. Ever since then, what i was born with has felt so much worse.

I constantly feel like im fighting and listening to a bunch of different versions of myself in my head. Its so exhausting. When im at work; I pick up a sandwich with Tongs for instance. Then I want to do one thing, but the other half of me wants to do the other. Then like weird 3rd or 4th thing. Then arguments, constant. I never feel at peace because my mind feels like there's this part of me that's constantly trying to convince me to let it take over. It feels like every time I try and do the right thing, the right thing that I want to do is silent. The thought is there, but muted, with these other things screaming at me in my own mind why that thing doesn't matter.

I exhausted my partners. At night, I would crash so hard and cry, rant about how our plans with our boyfriend ( bf dated us since Feb I think) were making me miserable, how i didnt want him to move with us. Raging jealousy over not wanting to be poly (which i have trauma with) and in those modes i would tell my gf, when i say i do want it in the morning, dont listen to me. But then, INSTANT switch when it does switch. All the different parts of me want different things. Even making this post is so hard for me, because half of me is telling me ill be embarrassed and ashamed. Im not listening. I dont know how to know what I want. Why do my dreams and hopes switch every five minutes. My manic episodes are so awful sometimes (my bipolar also causes seizures).

Working is hard, talking to people is hard, there's never any peace. Im already starting to feel the shame of asking for help.

It always wants to take over, I dont know how to know what I want or not listen to it.

I used to be on 300mg of ssris and 40 mgs of lurasidone. The SRRIS made me so numb it was hell. It was awful.

The parts of myself won't ever stop talking, and im trapped in my head 24/7.

I have to manually focus on reality to do anything. Im better at some things at some times of the day, than others.

Im so tired of pushing people away.

I'm currently on 20mgs of lurasidone (helping SO MUCH)

IMPORTANT THING

I am on stimulants. Which are terrible for me, but my narcolepsy with any ssri's and antiphsychotics is awful.

I dont even know who I am.

I want too so bad. Every moment of the day feels like hard work. Every. Single. Second.