I (F, 30s) had a close 15+ year friendship that turned into a situationship. It was long distance, we saw each other every 2-4 weeks over the last few months.
He tends to get overwhelmed and pull away.
What happened:
We had a call about my upcoming visit (he had already cancelled once weeks before). He said he’d have to work that weekend and asked if I was okay with that or if I’d just come along.
I was surprised (especially since he said that I could come just the day before and that he would make time for me and my ticket was expensive) and said I would’ve preferred to actually spend time together and that I wouldn’t have booked that weekend otherwise.
After that, the conversation shifted into his fears about a committed relationship with me (not being enough, fear of getting hurt, doubts about compatibility, things being “too much”).
But he also said he really, really cares about me, was looking forward to seeing me, and wished I was there with him right now.
The call ended okay.
Two hours later at 5 in the morning, he texted me. He said he’d been thinking about it for a long time, said "people should stay away from me, I'm not good" and that I should cancel the trip.
When I woke up I was shocked and texted "what's going on right now?"
He told me he doesn't want me to come.
I froze and didn’t respond anymore.
A few days later I accidentally sent a wrong message which I deleted. He reacted cold and aggressive in multiple Messages "Sorry but just say what you want/think. Anything. I don't care what. But doesn't work for me." I replied “Hey, it was a mistake, I understand, it’s okay.”
No contact since (2 weeks).
Now:
I don’t want a relationship anymore, it became too exhausting.
But I do want him in my life as a friend. Our friendship had always felt easy, supportive, deep, and genuinely caring. I am sad because I miss him so much as a friend.
I feel like I might have been the one who ended it by going quiet at first and my last message sounding like it didn't matter to me that much. But I didn’t want to put any pressure on him.
Should I reach out?
If yes, how? Or should I wait?
I’m scared I abandoned him, but I also don’t want to chase.