I may not be posting this in the right place (please tell me if that's the case) becuase for most of this I know I am not overreacting. But I have two questions at the end of the context below that I'm unsure about. Also if we're being real (and potentially against guidelines of this subreddit?!) I kind of want to vent about the actual situation somewhere. But the questions at the end are genunine AIO
I've known this guy A for a few years now through a mutual friend. He has always pushed for us to hang out separately, but I was initially hesitant for two main reasons:
- He seemed like he might be interested in me, which is very flattering but was not reciprocated
- He would say/do things sometimes which weren't 'call it out' offensive/inappropriate but made me uncomfortable
However, due to proximity we did see each other once or twice a year, and I did start to notice that he was making an effort to better himself and I respected that. So I did eventually hang out with him just us, and it was fun.
Anyway, last week we arranged to go out for drinks in a group of 5. The other 3 were my very close friends but he knew one of them. On my way there he called me and said that because of train issues he was going to have to drive so he was going to be a bit late. A bit late ended up being 40 minutes late but my other friends were on time so it wasn’t an issue at all.
My friends and I order wine and beer, and A order Cokes. The night progresses and he’s really getting on with my best friend and being genuinely great company. I even made a point to say this to him because I’ve been a bit harsh in the past when talking about how I used to feel about things he said or did. The bill comes and I say that I will pay for it and then work out what everyone owes and send their totals to them.
When I get the receipt I realise I’d been wrong. He hadn’t been drinking Cokes all night, he’d been drinking Whisky Cokes. So as we leave the restaurant I ask him if he drove here like he said, and he said he had. So I asked how he was getting home, and he said that age old line ‘alcohol doesn’t affect me like other people.’ That is an acceptable thing to say if you’re talking about social situations, or how you can have a few more at the Christmas Party because 5 beers for you makes you charming but 5 beers for Janice in Accounting has her dancing on tables. But for driving? I’m sorry but no.
I didn’t say much straight off, but we ended up at a pub down the road and he got another drink so when he came back to the table and we started discussing going back to my flat, I said in what I think was a very non-combative way that I really wasn’t comfortable with him driving. I told him that I lost a friend to being hit by a drunk driver, and that it just wasn’t something I could endorse. He mentioned that where he’d parked would get him fined in the morning so I made a compromise that I really wasn’t comfortable with but I thought showed willing to work with him and as a group we agreed that he could drive to a nearby parking area that would also be easier for him to pick up from in the morning. I know even this wasn’t right, but I was trying to find a solution.
My friends and I then went to get an Uber and he went to do that before getting himself an Uber.
When we reached my flat I spotted him walking on my road. Our mutual friend, H, then spotted his car (it’s a pretty noticeable colour), parked down the adjacent road, I guess hoping we wouldn’t see it. I walked up to him and asked him how his Uber was, and he said it was good, he’d parked his car in location X and then got a ride to mine. H stepped in and pointed out his car, so A immediately started on about how he’d tried to find somewhere to park but couldn't so he’d had to drive over. It’s a 20 minute drive so not just down the road, not that that would have made it better to me. And to beat us to my place he couldn’t have tried very hard, if he did at all.
I was furious and I wanted to leave him outside but my friend pointed out he would likely just drive home so I let him come upstairs. I told the other 3 that I was not willing to talk to him though and asked them to manage him which they did because they are fantastic people. To stress they were also really upset with him. He immediately started drinking more when he got inside. I was also fairly drunk at this point and so upset that I had to take myself to a different room to cry, because I’d told this man about my friend, I’d compromised to try and find a solution and then he’d not only done the thing I’d asked him not to, but lied to my face about doing it.
Eventually we got to the point where we told him the night was over and that he had to get an Uber home. We had to basically sit on this man to make him order one because I’m sure he was intending to go out and get in his car again. He was fully drunk, glassy eyed, by this point. He asked if he could stay over and I said no. A friend and I walked him out to make sure he got in the Uber and I told him I was really upset by what he’d done but that we’d talk about it when we weren’t drunk. He didn’t really say anything but he seemed mad at me for what was happening. He got in the Uber and went home.
The next day, he sent me a request for my bank details (to pay his part of the tab) and a picture of us all that he’d taken. No apology, no acknowledgement, nothing. So I decided I was done. I know I’d said we’d talk about it but I don’t intend to ever talk to him again, and if we’re in the same room I will be civil but I will not engage beyond politeness. That’s the part I’m asking if I’m overreacting about, because I stand by the original anger.
I also am not sure whether to tell the friend that introduced us? Not in a vindictive way, but more so because if A and I are invited to something together again, she’ll surely notice. But doing it proactively feels like overstepping?
(Oh and just as a final nail in this coffin, he also messaged my best friend the next day basically asking her out. She had spent a good portion of the evening talking about her boyfriend.)
AIO to cut him off completely for this with no conversation?
AIO to tell our mutual friend before this comes up organically with an invite to something?