I'm driven by envy today - my anxiety sure doesn't help.
For some background information, I have (undiagnosed) anxiety disorder, which is known by most all the staff and students at my school (it's small enough that everyone knows everyone in a year group.) For me, this intensifies any feelings of doubt and self hatred and frustration as that little voice in my head suffocates me with a chorus of blaming stanzas that seem to be the refrains that define my every panic attack: 'You're not enough', 'Why are you so fucking stupid?', 'It's all your fault' - the cacophony rages on for hours as tears corrode the confidence of my mind and the fickle skin around my eyes. The emptiness seems to last even longer afterwards.
I've also always been a perfectionist in my life. I'm popular enough with friends across the year group that trust me with a myriad of things. I'm seen as extroverted, likable, funny - all the factors that have built up a strong social network that has prevented me from being harassed to badly whenever my anxiety takes hold (though some still whisper about it when it comes up.) These things culminate in expectations. My self-worth is defined by the opinions of others and the social image I possess. My self-worth is defined by the perfect grades I seek to attain and the mastery of the humanities and languages I am known for. My self-worth is defined by the connections and social circles that have been minutely sculpted by my efforts. My self-worth is defined by my dedicated stride towards perfection - that all-encompassing, omnipresent voice in the back of my mind telling me that I have room to grow and evolve further - yet I'm still not the best.
There are a couple of other 'smart kids' in the year group, which is to be expected from someone living in a city known for its educational fervor and prestige. Still, I work to not just serve myself but others too: I churn out study plans and mark others' essays, crafting notes and keys and guides to hopefully see others smile and help them pass their grades. I feel like a composer sometimes, proud of some arrangement that I've so tightly knit together. I aim to be a university professor someday, possibly reaching the heights of Cambridge or Oxford to help even more people reach the heights of their potential, yet I feel selfish and egotistical in my aims.
The reason? Awards.
Our school offers smaller awards at the end of terms - nothing transferable to personal statements, really - a way to celebrate the achievement of students and the hard work they've put into their craft. I've attained a myriad of them: English, Music, Maths, and a couple more. I have the second highest in my year group. And yet, I'm rarely selected for anything major, rarely commendated for my efforts across the year that are innumerable at this point. I crave further recognition, further support and praise, and I feel so selfish and disgusting for it - my primary motivation in school and life is still to help others, but it's been tainted by ornaments of avarice that choke me ruthlessly.
All these complex elements came together today, the straw that broke the composer's back.
Outside of assemblies, there's an annual list of people who are nominated for awards that are assessed by the governing educational institution that our school is a part of. Our principal spreads out these nominations across a term, announcing them over the course of weeks. Considering the context of this post, you can imagine I haven't gotten one yet. Although the batch this year hasn't been fully announced yet, I doubt I'm receiving a nomination this year - it's not like I've ever been considered before. And you know what stings? What stings and bites at my senses? I'm running out of time. There's this year and next year, and I'm gone - out of the running forever, and I can't have that. To make it worse? Today, the student with the highest amount of awards (I'm second, remember) in the year received one, in my focal subject, no less. That hurt. Like a piano dropped on my fucking head.
Whenever these ceremonies happen, I hear my name whispered around the announcement hall, tantalisingly so. Then it's given to someone else. Every other smart kid in the year group has received one over the years; every standout has gotten their flowers. Therefore, in my head, there's 3 possibilities: 1, I'm lying in wait still, for whatever reason I may be one of the last announced or get it next year - unlikely; 2, I'm just not doing enough, not exceptional enough, not useful or recognised as I don't deserve it; 3, it doesn't really matter - that's what people tell me - they just won't get around to me as it's a nomination after all, they give it to the best. All those around me just have me beat. 2 and 3 ruminate in my head often, like a song stuck in my head that just won't ever leave.
So, my anxiety took hold. In my first lesson, I asked the teacher to let me take a break to deal with my panic attack - again, I'd rather not let people see me as a crying mess for my image. I went there, sat in a desolate and isolated corner of the school, just crying and hurting. The aforementioned chorus of distain fired up, and my ritual of pain began again. When my composure was restored and the rose swelling had died down around my eyes and nose, I returned to the lesson, though the emptiness carried around me rather evidently. I sat through the rest of the lesson, avoiding people as much as possible. One boy asked if I was fine. He has anxiety too. I said I was fine. I lied.
At break time, I tried to find my teacher. She teaches the subject that the award I didn't receive got given to - she nominated the other girl. I don't blame either of them, but I obviously feel disappointed. I asked her if I could spend the 2 periods of this class in the library, I didn't want to deal with my anxiety flaring up again as I fear of being labeled a 'crash out' or 'dramatic' for my shit. Instead, I cried in front of her, refraining from mentioning the award nomination too much, but she inferred that it was the cause. I ranted about my feelings of insufficiency and my stress - she said that she knows I'm at the top of the year group, she said that she knows that I excel, she said that she knows that I put a shit ton of pressure onto myself and she knows that I provide no recompense or comfort to myself. Still, I didn't get the nomination so to me all those words of kindness read as platitudes of ignorance, I didn't say anything disrespectful - I just thanked her and left, regaining my composure as much as possible before the next period. She said I could come to her in the lesson if I needed to leave. I didn't by then. I was just empty and unresponsive.
Clearly, my envy and disappointment had overwhelmed me a lot, and that emptiness and anger still persists within me now. I'm lost, I need to talk to someone and reach out to someone, but I've only managed to tell 2 or so people in my year group among the dozen that have reached out to me. I know I read as a pretentious asshole - I got smaller awards after all that others still haven't received - but I'm trying to avoid confrontation and just deal with my perfectionism and anxiety in some sort of way. I realise that this ramble has been poorly structured and seems confusing, and I've expunged some more irrelevant details to make this a tad more succinct, but I'm so lost. What do I even do? How do I feed my insurmountable ambition? Why do I need to be the conductor to this song of madness and perplexion? I feel like this is such a non-issue, so what if I don't get an award nomination? But, I feel like I deserve it for the hours of work I've put into my lessons and outside. My moral motivation feels warped by the vices that define my harmartia: this envious anger that persists across my mental psyche.
I doubt anyone will seriously read this and think that I should be feeling this way. I might receive some compassion that I don't deserve, but I struggle to see anyone relating to this hyper-specific happenstance. Still, just on the off chance something comes of this rant. I'll post it. Also, the musical motif seems stupid, but it was the best way for me to explain the specific emotions in my mind. Thank you if you've gotten this far.
TLDR: I'm jealous that I haven't gotten some big award and my anxiety has made that worse. Don't feel like I can reach out to anyone or let my stress show too much lest I get labeled as weird. I feel like a pretentious asshole for it all.