u/GhostofLove119

I turned 30 earlier this year. Last year, I was diagnosed with ADHD and later in the year my older sister was diagnosed ASD, which pretty much confirmed it for me personally. I got referred to a specialist by my therapist who thought experiences I described to her and my general persona hinted at neurodivergence, and the specialist unfortunately fell through, but the guy I saw for ADHD worked out. Anyway, along with all of this, probably 10 years ago or so I came out to a lot of my friends and family as bisexual and started exploring that side of me a lot more IRL. And I would say 5 years later, back in like 2022, I realized was a "gender nonconforming" person of some kind. I am AMAB, so that was really confusing, but after talking with some trans friends and doing some research and just thinking about it, I decided "genderfluid" was the term closest to my subjective experiences with gender identity.

And so, I've got a little bit of a royal flush of being a social misfit here lol. I mean, along with all of that, I was also deeply involved in a network of punk rock and hardcore as well as Lefties of various kinds for the majority of the back half of the 2010s. I've always felt like I was "outside" everyone else, like an animal at the zoo pacing back and forth behind the plexiglass wall and watching people watch me in either fascination or disgust. And ever since I was a little kid, I found the concept of "getting down to the real thing" so interesting. I was obsessed with The Matrix when I was a child. I would watch it and its sequels over and over every time they came on TV, both because the visual effects and general aesthetic were an excellent visual stim, but also because the idea of not only "exiting the simulation" but then teaming up with a bunch of other people to go and strike back at the people who did that to us, and try to "end the nightmare" as it were, I thought it was beautiful. I know this is very naive and childish, but I was also a literal child. I would sit in class when I was like 10, not paying attention to the lesson at all, thinking about stuff I saw on TV re: the Iraq War or some other crazy scandal under Bush Jr and just think "Where the fuck is Morpheus?"

Anyway, recently, I have been calming myself immensely with a fantasy. It is only sometimes spicy, and a lot of those times it doesn't start out that way, it's just such an intimate situation its hard to prevent it from spilling over lol. But for me it is really much more like guided meditation or a visual aid for meditation.

I imagine this strong feminine presence. It's kind of irrelevant to call her a "woman" because she is really beyond gender as we think of it. But she has a feminine aura and is very powerful. And I just think about her spooning me, me being the little spoon, and whispering in my ear asking me if I wanna be played with by her. But when I say yes, she uses this power she has to turn me into a substance. Like, she stretches me like a rubber band and squishes me like slime and rolls me around until I am like a ball. And I like to think others have encountered her and tried this but it was a little too much for them so they had to politely leave before things got to intense. But with me it's like, not only can I withstand it, I want more and more. And her eyes get really big and she keeps giggling because she's fascinated at meeting someone who is enjoying this bizarre form of play so much. It's like, really fun and sweet and tender for us both. I call her "The Co-Pilot."

And sometimes towards the end of this, I imagine her gently encouraging me to allow her to dissolve for a moment the remaining masculine pieces of me. And when I say "Okay" she sends me into this place that is so incredible. It's like my skin melts off and I turn into this pool of liquid, and inside that pool I am at this place simultaneously in between and beyond any notion of gender we have as actual humans in modern American society. And she starts to coalesce me into a physical being again out of that pool, but it's like I have the physical and mental characteristics of the American stereotypes of both "male" and "female." And we just rest together like that for a while, very, very close. So close it's like our skin is starting to melt together at points. But it isn't scary or painful at all. It's just very warm and all-encompassing love.

And then I tell her I have to go back for a while and she understands and gets me back to where I need to be (my usual day-to-day presentation, which is often still very masculine). And then she just kisses me on the cheek and tells me how proud of me she is. And I come back to reality and feel very refreshed and loved and ready to go.

I'm not sure exactly why I felt compelled to share this with ya'll, but I hope that everyone who reads it has something that can center them like this when things are hard or dysphoria creeps in or anything that is a struggle develops in life. I know how hard it is, I have been through a LOT of trauma in my life, on various levels. But please don't give up everyone.

And also if you read this and just thought "Wtf", well, I am glad I could at least entertain for a moment lol. I apologize if any of it is TMI or anything, but I just really wanted to share and get perspective. Hope everyone has a good day