How can I start (and stick to) the emetophobia journey?
this is my first ever Reddit post, i think. I’m 21F and I’m graduating college this year, yay! I haven’t thrown up since I was 12 but I’ve now been thrust into this world of older friends, most are between 21-25, and my emetophobia has just gotten worse. The reason I bring this up is because everyone I know drinks/smokes weed. I drink socially and I have tried edibles but every single time I have, I’ve felt sick(and had panic attacks) so I don’t do it anymore despite it also being fun. I was also very recently diagnosed with OCD and I’m starting ERP therapy, it’s not centered on my emetophobia but my therapist knows that’s a central part of my life.
I have an old friend who used to get sick ALL the time, I suspect they have some sort of health problem they haven’t gotten treated for and refuse to, and I still worry about them today. They would throw up so often and so many little things would make them sick that I started to think those things were normal and now when anyone else has a symptom like theirs I panic, and I distance, even though those types of things aren’t supposed to make you throw up, they were just unwell. I want to be able to hangout normally with people without having that heart dropping feeling that someone is gonna throw up. (And that’s just one example of how it affects me.)
My question is… how has everyone’s journey and healing process been? I know it’s not linear, but do things reset if you get sick? how do I not go back to the control and the safety behaviors I have done for the past 10 years? How can I feel safe again? I’m terrified even more of myself throwing up, I hate the lack of control, the idea that it might hurt (I don’t actually remember if it does, it’s been so long), the shame inside myself and from others (even tho it’s not real, no one is shaming me), the noises, the smell, all of it.
edit: I’ve had this phobia for way more than 10 years, I remember holding my breath, plugging my ears and closing my eyes when ever someone in my family had the flu/threw up/walked in the room after being sick. it got better for awhile, and then just got so much worse in high school and then skyrocketed when that friend was getting sick all the time, like around 2022
edit 2: I keep thinking of things to add, sigh. When I was 12, my friends mom was driving us home (we carpooled, switched off who picked us up) and her mom came despite having a migraine. She threw up the entire way to my house. I was sitting in the backseat panicking. Honestly that may have been one of the starting points to this becoming a real/serious phobia. I told her it was okay, we could call my dad instead but she refused, it was strange and she kept having to pull over. It definitely wasn’t safe.
Thanks for reading my rant, I just want to feel normal again!!