For context, I am 20(F), and they are 25 (NB). We work together, and we hit it off instantly when we met. I really liked how nice and funny they were and how genuine I could be with them. At first, things were going great, but before we even started dating, they were telling me they loved me. I felt weird about it but didn't say anything about it. We started dating and they said it 2 more times before 2 weeks of dating. Also, within the first week of dating I was invited to their sister's house to help build a desk but then met their entire family. Very awkward. In their defense, they had no idea their family was going to be there until they were picking me up to go to her house. This is going to be long, so bear with me.
I still don't think anything of it, thought it was a little weird but I was going through a death in the family and a cancer scare so I had a lot on my plate at the time and loved hanging out with them. After about a month of dating, and I'm in college and finals are this week, I panick and end things with them. I've been struggling with my sexuality for a long time since middle school, and at first, I thought it was me feeling like I wanted to explore my options. But now I genuinely feel like i panicked because I was scared of getting close and it moving too fast. I tried downloading hinge (I know what a stupid idiot i am) but I deleted it before I even finished creating an account because it almost felt like cheating them.
The breakup was really really sad and they didnt take it well at all. I feel like a horrible person because I want to get back together with them, but I'm also worried about what if I just liked the comfort of someone being by my side. They were the best partner I've ever had, we never got into arguments. They would cook me meals and they would always pick me up because they knew I hated driving.
This is different than my last "relationship" where I hung out with this guy for 7 months slept over almost every night and he never asked to date me. He would make fun of me, and argue with me about my looks and everything, even little things, make me feel stupid make me feel like too much for asking for things as simple as water and never listen. I waited 7 months for someone who mentally abused me every day and night. I would tell him I didnt wanna do sexual things and he would keep asking, etc.
Now I think maybe the reason why I broke up with my newest partner is because I was scared that I would get too close and they would turn out to hurt me. I don't know if I'm explaining this right but it all comes down to the fact that I really want to get on my hands and knees and apologize with flowers in my hand. I feel like I just made a huge mistake.