I hate my sweet self…but I also miss it
Before my trauma symptoms really took hold, I was a sweet person. Always caring for others, how their day went, writing them notes, picking up snacks I know they like if I’m out. Little things to show love to those I care about. It was these qualities that got me abused and traumatized so I shut them down. Once CPTSD really took hold, I put up walls and stopped caring about anyone (including myself).
The things is I always respect people who are kind, genuine, empathetic and think they’re admirable. It also makes me feel bad because I’m so “mean” compared to them. But I realized these exact qualities I envy in others are the ones I hated in myself. I thought they made me weak and vulnerable so I blame my past self for being a naive idiot.
I don’t like who my trauma made me. I don’t want to be cold and unfeeling. I can’t find a balance. I miss my past self. But I also hate her.