Confused and broken again
I (34m) came out of the most serious long term relationship- with someone I believed I would marry at the time, a few years ago. It absolutely destroyed me mentally and took a good year to recover from.
Once I got my sh*t together and found peace again.... I tried hinge at the recommendation of a friend. It started off well, I seem to get a lot of likes (reasonably handsome and successful) had some good dates and some pretty bad ones- but it was great to meet new people and I enjoyed spending the time I had with those I met.
After a while I matched with someone who seemed just right and we began talking all the time, by this point I had become accustomed to modern dating (as per) and once we had a arranged to meet, I had realistic expectations and saw it as another opportunity to sit and have a good meal and conversation with someone who seemed nice- if that was the only outcome I was fully prepared for it.
The first date we went one was incredible- we liked eachother instantly and went on another 4 dates within a week of meeting. For me she felt very special and I was instantly drawn to her as soon as I saw her. We had a great time together and we both clicked like I had never experienced with anyone before.
Around 10 days after meeting we found a kitten in the street on the way home from a date, we both shared custody (that sounds ridiculous typing it out!) while she attempted to track the owners....
After a week with nobody coming forward to claim the kitten, my mother decided to adopt her. Things were going incredibly well by this point and we had become very close through it.
Then around a week later whilst hiking in the local forest we found a young lady trying to hang herself, the girl I was dating was a nurse and she was very quick to perform urgent care while I called and ambulance and helped navigate them to us. This was unlike any experience I had ever had with someone and the respect and admiration I had for her was insane for handling it so well!
After this things were went back to normal (excellent) dating for a while, we found ourselves in a relationship a month or so in and I was starting to get serious feelings.
Intimately I would say it was the most passionate sex I have ever had with anyone in my life.
All of a suddenly she became incredibly ill with stomach pain and had to take extended time off from work. By now we were spending most of our time together and I would stay over most nights to hold cuddle her to sleep while she was in pain.
It turned out her appendix had burst some time ago and become septic. She was admitted to the hospital she worked and and had urgent surgery. I visited nearly every day for two weeks while she was there, often holding her in my arms until she fell asleep each night.
About a week after she came home, everything was slowly starting to get back to normal and she told me so much had happened that she needed a few days to get back her rhythm and clear her head.
I gave her she space she needed until she invited me over for a chat. She didn't say much, only that she had a feeling in her gut that we weren't meant to be together- like life was warning us. She gave me a strange letter, mainly ramblings about herself and finished it with- PS, that was the best sex I have ever had.
It hit me particularly hard, I cried and left without saying anything and we haven't seen or spoken to eachother since. A few days later one of my friends found her back on hinge. Now it took me about a year to let go of her, I struggled immensely with trying to understand her reasoning. But eventually somehow I managed to let it go- I spent some time working on myself and building up my confidence again and gave myself the closure for the relationship that I never received from her.
After a good break from dating I felt good again and decided to try again just before Christmas. My profile got hundreds of likes within days and I had to pause it just to try and talk to people. I went on a few dates, nothing really groundbreaking but it felt nice to get back out and meet people.
After around 4 dates, I had arranged to meet with a young lady (25) who seemed incredibly chatty and eager to meet me. At first I was apprehensive due to the age gap but I considered it an opportunity to meet someone new and again- worst case scenario just have a nice meal with someone.
We arranged to go for a coffee and a walk at 9am on a Saturday, it was like love at first sight. We spent 11 hours walking around talking all day until it got dark and I felt like it was time to send her home. After a good few dates and a few weeks we both agreed that this was something special.
We would talk nearly every day on the phone for an hour (minimal) she stayed over at mine most weekends and over the last 5 months we have been away 7 times to stay in various places around the country. We spent the whole of valentines weekend together in a cottage (cotswolds) and both of our birthdays. It was like every romantic novel I have ever read! I felt like I had won the lottery, she was everything I had ever dreamed of.
Cut to two weeks ago, she gets sick and spends nearly a week in bed. We still talk all day but I can feel her pulling away slightly.... I don't bring this up but she openly apologises for not being so affectionate towards me and says she becomes very insular when she is ill.
All of a sudden everything changes and she tells me we need to talk, I can see it coming a mile away.
She tells me she won't come to my place and we have to see each other somewhere else. I meet her around the corner and she hands me a bag of my belongings (clothes she had gone home with to sleep in) and tells me she has soo much going on mentally and with work that she is so unbelievably stressed in life that she doesn't have the fight in her to fight for us or maintain a relationship. We both sat and cried in a carpark for about an hour and I wish her all the best in life before she walked away. I figured it was a classic case of right person wrong time maybe and I respected her wishes.
This hurts, I can't make any sense of the hot and cold but I know I must accept it deep down. At this point you could say I am kind of getting used to it!
After the previous experience with dating someone from Hinge I felt like I needed to check to see if she was back on the app again (terrible idea but I felt like it would help me to understand) one week later there she is back on hinge......
It is like a horrible taste in my mouth that never goes away,I would like some input....... why do people jump say one thing/ lie and jump straight back on dating apps? I feel very disrespected and insignificant, like the whole thing was a lie perhaps.
Right now I know it will take some time to let it go (again) but I feel like dating is not really for me anymore! Do I just turn my experiences into a novel?