Mother's Day Rant 💔
Dearest Internet Humans,
I want to start this rant by saying that my Mom used to be my favorite person in the world.
I know that I was a little too much for her sometimes but she was fun and treated me fairly well. She has also done countless favors for me, for which I am forever grateful for.
When I came between in her and my Dad, I chose her because she was affectionate and she didn't yell at me, call me names or push me around like my Dad. They had a disfunctional relationship as two functionihg alcoholics. My mom was better at hiding it, she had pancreatitis now but still drinks. My Dad used to go through almost a whole bottle of Jack on a single weekend night. I would distract his repetitive ego from her so that she could watch TV and drink in peace.
When I was little, I told her that Papa (my Dad's father) touched me and then touched myself, and he did it to my little sister to.
She stopped letting him baby sit us, but then we continued to go to family parties. I was touched before I can remember, so when he put his arm around me at my cousin's wedding (I was 21 and became a licensed massage therapist at this point) then he out his hand down the side of my halter top. I left and when I told my mom, she took me out for food and told me that he had touched when I was little. This would have been really nice to know to to have talked about when I hit puberty. I have always had a problem saying no to people and setting boundaries, which is not ideal. I too often let people push me around and just laugh it off. I think if I would have known I would have protected myself more in general.
Things started to change between us around this time, she thought the two times I tried LSD fried my brain and I wasn't the same person anymore, after a few falling outs I was diagnosed with bipolar || and my mom gave me permission to kill myself.
She cheated on my Dad and lied about it a few times, when they FINALLY got divorced about 5 years ago, she moved in with somebody she had already been talking to on some cheaters app. They both left there partners and believe they are sole mates. My lil' sister and I hung out with him and got along for awhile but there were some red flags we didn't agree with.
He encouraged her drinking. He would cross boundaries with us, I told jim I don't want a hug or to be nuggied and he would hug me and give a me nuggie anyways, staring at our boobs and saying 'I'm just a man" or saying that we are just as sexy as our Mom. He had done a lot of drugs with her like Ayahuasca, LSD and DMT and I feel like this had been a tool to manipulate her. We found out that he touched his step-daughter all over when she was about 13.
After that, things with my mom gave never been worse. We asked her not to bring him to our family parties where we see our aunts and cousins and she refuses. She is mad at us because we can't stand being around him anymore. She does not properly apologize for anything, she just withdrawals.
For Mother's Day, she invited us over to her new home. I said yes, because I thought the invite meant that she wanted a relationship with us outside of Vern and wanted to rekindle things. She said "Let's plan a menu when I get back from my cruise!" But never got back in touch when she was back from that. I was expecting her to reach out, set a time when her now pedophile husband would not be home, and help set up a menu but on Mother's Day she just said Thanks when I wished her a good day. She said she didn't want to plan her own Mother's Day and expected us to reach out. The drive is 90 minutes for me, and I wasn't trying to spend 3 hours of my day when she is so "whatever" about seeing me. I let her know that if she wants a relationship with me then I need her to reach out. The winds were out of my sails at this point snd
I said
"I have already felt disowned, I was honestly surprised you even invited us. The relationship doesn't seem like it's much to celebrate at the moment, thanks anyways for making me 💜 🤰🏻"
And she just said ok, you're welcome.
Honestly, I am just so sad that she doesn't care much to have a relationship anymore, it feels like all of us are just over it and don't feel like it's worth the effort.
Thanks for reading!
All the best,