u/General_Event_4795

I want to use an example of the sermon that was preached last Sunday at my congregation (a CoC) and then form a broader point from it. I am struggling with whether I should stay at this congregation, go to another CoC, or go to another church entirely. I'm willing to stay, but I need advice on how to handle my current situation.

(This post is not meant to be a bash of the CoC but I had to explain some of the issues I've been facing; I do not mean my brethren any disrespect.)

For context, I have been raised in the CoC and have been attending for more than 2 decades. I've gradually begun to see patterns in attitudes, and more, at least at my local congregation, which were concerning to me. Upon bringing them up, I encountered pretty sharp pushback, and nothing really changed. Not sure what to do now.

Before I get into my example, I just want to say that I don't disagree with some of the content of what's preached; but I disagree with the attitude with which it is preached, the pressured environment, a fear-based atmosphere, the gaslighting and emotional manipulation, and the lack of validation of my struggles and concerns.

To start giving you an idea of the things that have happened and how I've begun to feel about it, let me describe a few singular examples of the many times these things have happened:

Gaslighting: I told a brother that I forgave him for a wrong he did to me. Immediately he responded along the lines of, "I'm going to question that. I think you're not being sincere." It was irritating to have to bear with this because I was being sincere, but he didn't believe me - in fact, he wanted me doubt my own sincerity, my own forgiveness.

Lack of validation: I try to explain to a brother my frustrations in being single and never having had a girlfriend at my age (29) and what I can do about it. He says "I completely validate that" but then he starts talking about how I need to focus on finding fulfillment in God instead of trying to find fulfillment in a wife, which I found invalidating. To be clear, I believe that fulfillment can be found in God, but I also believe that God allows us to have spouses in an actual God-approved marriage for sexual fulfillment, which was what I was talking about. He then uses an analogy: "If I am a dad and I don't give cotton candy to my daughter, and my daughter thinks I don't care about her because I didn't give her cotton candy, does that mean I don't care about her? No!" I found this analogy unhelpful and irritating, especially because it compared a wife to cotton candy: it's overly reductive.

Another example of lack of validation: I explain to a brother that I feel uncomfortable, pressured, afraid, and I disagree with a lot of what's said or how it's said during the sermons. He responds by saying "It's a very short amount of time you have to spend every week listening to one sermon. You have the rest of the week to yourself." That much is technically true, but it doesn't fix my issue.

Emotional manipulation: I was told that I could not stay on a brother's Discord server unless I showed up to church Sunday night and at Wednesday bible class. I would be kicked off if I did not attend.

I was also told that if I left the church to join another (non-CoC), I was abandoning my brethren and thus sinning.

Fear-based environment: To me, the sermons seem to be designed to make the audience feel guilty, afraid, and like we have to continually do more and more in order to be saved.

Controlled environment: I was kicked off an online bible study with the brethren because the views I expressed were different than the teacher's. I wanted him to emphasize mercy and grace more, and I said as much. He called me after the study and said I could not join that bible study anymore. I remember him saying something like "What if the attendees see a conflict between you and me? That doesn't look good on us."

It feels like I'm not allowed to express what I believe.

I'm not trying to revile or badmouth anyone, but I'm just literally being honest in my experience over the years here at my congregation. I really need to know if anyone else can relate to my struggles or am I the only one who feels like this. It feels crushing to believe that I'm the only one who struggles with this in my congregation. It's gotten to the point where I feel like no one else amongst my congregation will understand if I try to explain it to them - like it's in one ear and out the other, or like I'm speaking a foreign language to them. It feels like they just don't get it.

Anecdote:

So last Sunday the preacher did a sermon on why gambling is a sin.

He literally said "If you are addicted to gambling, you're sinning and going to hell!" and "If you gamble and you don't repent, you're going to hell!" and it wasn't just that he said it, it was the way he said it. It sounded condemnatory.

For clarity, I'm against gambling at casinos, and I am aware that covetousness is a sin. I just think that it's not my place to sit in the judgment seat and say that someone is going to hell for gambling.

To be clear, I know the Bible does make some clear statements such as "You will not inherit the kingdom of God" if you practice obviously sinful activities like murder, idolatry, porn, rape, homosexuality, greed, swindling, drunkenness, reviling (see 1 cor 5).

Yes, God says through Paul that you won't go to heaven if you are guilty of greed. So why do I have an issue with what was preached? Because to me, I think in some ways I disagree less about the actual takeaways of the sermons that are preached, and more about how the preacher was presenting the material.

The funny thing was that he said "I'm not talking about gambling for a pack of gummy bears with your grandpa over backgammon." But in the sermon he never clearly drew the line between gambling for small rewards at your house, like for a pack a gummy bears, and gambling at a casino. I.e. instead of gummy bear, what if my grandpa and I played for $25. What if we betted for $100. What if we both put down $500, etc. That's why I think that the line should be drawn not necessarily on whether you participate at a casino, but whether you are being covetous in general. And I think this is what the bible says. Please do correct me if I am wrong.

This is why I think that the sin of greed/covetousness comes from within and affects your actions, rather than being merely an external action.

There are definitely some sins that are sins because they are external actions. Like murder, rape, homosexuality. But I think other sins like pride and covetousness might be less easy to define by simple external actions, because they are 'attitudes' or 'desires' that come from within us. Even murder comes from hate, rape comes from lust and lack of self-control, homosexuality comes from depravity. Again, please correct me if my line of thinking is inaccurate.

Having been a member of the CoC for decades, I have come to feel disturbed that my brethren and I, yes, myself included, have kind of just let the attitude of condemnation go on without doing anything about it; this kind of rhetoric is actually approved.

There are many, many, many other examples I could say, but I'm hoping that I've given a picture, even if it's a limited picture, of the kind of atmosphere that I feel every time I go there into the church building on Sunday. I'm looking for advice on what I should do. Am I being too hard on them? I don't want to leave my friend group, but because of what feels like stuffy or constrictive attitudes, it's difficult to get along sometimes.

In this post, I haven't mentioned a lot of the good things that I have experienced through the coc where I go. There have been a lot of positive, fruitful and helpful things. I don't want to make light of that. Also, for any wrongs that I have endured in the past, I forgive them. I'm not bringing these things up to recount wrongdoing; I'm bringing these things up because I want to know what to do now, and I had to give context and examples to provide an idea of what has happened. I do forgive any wrongs I've endured, but that doesn't stop these sorts of things from continuing to happen. The reason I'm talking so much about the negative things is because I feel like it shouldn't be ignored or suppressed anymore. I'm just not sure what direction I should go. I want to ask a question for a purpose: Can you relate to my experiences at all? Is your congregation, for lack of a better term, more "understanding"? By the use of that term I don't mean "allowing sin," but I mean something like "allows for an atmosphere of hope and comfort to thrive in the church, based on scriptures, rather than always pushing fear and gaining control of other people"? Should I consider going to other churches of Christ? Would I get a different experience there? I hate to use the following term, as it's been overused, but I can't think of another to describe as accurately as I can what I've been seeing - are they all this "legalistic"? If I do choose to stay (which I'd like to), how can I handle the attitudes I've encountered? Should I try bringing my concerns up to the elders?

Thank you!

First question: What is the difference between 'so little faith' and 'faith the size of a mustard seed', given that both are small?

Matthew 17:19-20 -

Afterward the disciples came to Jesus privately and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” “Because you have so little faith,” He answered. “For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

A mustard seed is extremely small, but apparently the disciples' "little faith" at this point was even smaller than a mustard seed.

I'm trying to diagnose the issue of unanswered prayer in my own life and am questioning if the cause is little faith.

So it leads to the second question: How do I know how much faith I have? How do I know if the faith I have is either 'the size of a mustard seed', or so small that it has no power? Conversely, how do I tell if there is doubt in my heart? What are the criteria, or the signs, used to determine if I have faith or doubt? If I am praying for something, but some doubt creeps in that it will happen, is that prayer suddenly nullified? And is it possible to have 'large' faith greater than that like a mustard seed, and what does that actually mean?

The best answer I have right now is that when I pray I try to assess the level of conviction I have that God will answer my prayer. I really try to push my spirit to believe that He will answer, if that makes any sense. It's like I'm trying to take hold of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, intents and draw them toward God through believing. Sometimes as I pray there are unbidden, doubtful thoughts that enter my mind that whisper things: "Do you really believe God's going to answer you?" "God's not gonna answer you, kid, why are you wasting your time?" etc. I try to push through these thoughts. I'm not sure if they're coming from myself, the devil, my mental health condition, or maybe all of the above. I also think I can sense in my heart, my core of emotions, that there is a feeling of doubt. I don't want the doubt to be there, but for some reason it won't go away. I try to make the doubt go away, but it won't go away. Maybe I'm confusing myself and it's not actually doubt, but it just is a feeling. I'm not really certain.

Mark 11:23-24 -

“Truly I tell you that if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and has no doubt in his heart but believes that it will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

So I've heard many sermons about what this verse doesn't mean, but I've heard far less about what it does mean. "A new Porsche 911 isn't going to appear in your garage if you ask God for it." "God never promises you a spouse." "Even Jesus was told no when he asked God to let the cup pass from him." Etc. I'm not saying I disagree. I'm not a prosperity gospel guy. I'm just saying that we've talked a lot about what the verse does not apply to; so what are valid applications of this saying? What can I actually go to God with and ask him, and know certainly that I will receive it? I thought about how Jesus uses the actual example of a tree withering up upon his command. It's really an "unbelievable" sort of example, and yet that's the example that he gives to us for the kind of faith we're supposed to have in our requests to him. We're supposed to believe, in some sense, the unbelievable. While I admit that miracles like making a tree wither up that may not happen today - I'm not trying to get into that can of worms - I'm just asking, like, what can we ask God today and know for sure we'll receive it?

I've decided to become intentional in trying to perform "the Golden Rule" as stated in Luke 6:31 and Matthew 7:12.

A lot of my Christian life up to this point has been solely prayer, often asking God to bless me with things both spiritual and physical (e.g. purity of heart and a godly wife), and after reading the gospels again, my memory was refreshed that the Christian life is not only prayer. It was in some sense selfish only asking God for stuff to improve my life, although it's certainly not wrong to ask God for a pure heart, a godly spouse, etc. I think it just should be balanced out with thanksgiving and right living, scripture reading, etc.

Matt 7:12 - So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Luke 6:31 - And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Reading these in context is helpful as well to give a sense of what it means, but it struck me today that Jesus says "whatever" you wish that others would do to you. Obviously the maxim may have limitations - if I'm a drug addict and I want someone to give me drugs, that doesn't mean I need to give them drugs - but my point is that the principle can be applied in our day-to-day lives, every day.

If I'm not mistaken, the golden rule is a powerful way to fulfill the second greatest commandment - to love your neighbor as yourself, because it takes our natural and selfish desires for people to do good to us, and converts them into unselfish loving acts to others. It's just as powerful for adults to practice as it is for kids, and includes but also goes well beyond mere respect for others. If everyone in the world put in sincere attempts to do unto others as they wished others would do to them, the world would be a much better place.

So then, I'm trying to actually figure out practical ways to implement this teaching of Jesus - both on the specific and general levels.

The first question for me to answer was "What do I wish that others would do to me?" and then I figured all I needed to do was just to DO that to other people. But this has been more difficult than it seemed at first. It took some introspection to determine what I actually wished others to do to me, and it also changed depending on who the other person I was considering doing the rule to was. Sometimes I just wished to be left alone by others, but it didn't seem to be much of an application of the principle just to leave others alone. I think the principle speaks to us (at least to me - I'm speaking from experience) on a deeper, perhaps emotional level - what we crave most as humans. I want to be shown compassion. I want people to be kind to me. I don't want to be ignored. I want people to pay attention to me, to focus on me. I want people to really listen to me, not interrupt. I want people to show affection to me, and genuine concern. I want people to weep with me when I weep, and rejoice with me when I rejoice, as the Bible says. These are human desires, of course, and now it's my responsibility to show them to others. But it brought up some more questions and even doubts. I intellectually knew my desires were universal, but I still wondered: Did everyone have the same desires and needs as I did? Why did it seem like they were happy already then? Was it always appropriate to perform these actions to others, e.g. at work? What if people didn't appreciate it when I did unto them what I wished they would do to me? What if they just didn't care? Why wasn't the golden rule "Do unto others what they wish"? How could I guarantee that what I wished they would do to me equated what they needed in that moment - that is, what was good for them? And what if they used my kindness as fuel for more abuse directed towards me?

I don't have the answers to all these questions, and feel free to put your thoughts down. Looking back, they appear to be fears that only serve to hinder me from practicing the rule. I've decided to trust God and keep on trying to practice this principle that Christ gives us even though I don't know all the answers. And secondly, if I may ask, just so I have some kind of baseline: what is it that you wish others would do to you? Are they similar at all to what my wishes are?

Thank you for reading.