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Hi, I’m looking for advice about a situation with my(F30) ex (M35) and our 7-week-old baby (UK-based).
We are not together and haven’t been for almost a year. Since the baby was born, I’ve tried to keep things respectful and focus on co-parenting, but his behaviour has made that really difficult.
He has:
• Used drugs, including before/around visits with the baby (including smoking weed near the baby)
• Made unwanted sexual advances towards me and touched me inappropriately despite me repeatedly saying no
• Been physically controlling in the past (dragging me by my arms, not allowing me space, following me into the toilet)
• Pressured me into staying longer at visits than agreed
• Been showing up at my home unannounced, along with family members I’ve never even met
• Showing unstable and erratic behaviour
When we meet, he often barely focuses on the baby and instead uses the time to try and be close to me physically. At the last meeting, he kept me out longer than agreed in cold and windy weather with the baby, and I had to move away from a sheltered area because he was smoking near us.
I’ve now told him I don’t feel safe meeting him alone anymore.
Shortly after that, he gave me a letter from solicitors saying he would take me to court if I didn’t agree to a DNA test. I had already said I’m not comfortable giving him parental responsibility due to his behaviour.
Now his family are involved. An aunt I’ve never met emailed me saying she has booked people to come to my home this weekend to do a DNA test — even though I have never agreed to this.
They have also been offering me money instead of going through court. I clearly said I would not accept money with conditions and that my baby is not something to be “bought”.
Despite that, he has now transferred me a large amount of money (in the thousands), labelled “baby’s savings”. I did not agree to this and have already said I don’t accept any kind of bribery.
There has also been pressure around him wanting parental responsibility, and it has been suggested by him/his family that this is important for his ability to remain in the UK.
I have a Citizens Advice appointment booked, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsure what to do in the meantime.
My main questions are: Do I need to send the money back, or can I leave it untouched? Does him sending a large amount of money strengthen his position legally? What should I do if people turn up at my home for a DNA test I didn’t agree to? Am I right to refuse to meet him alone going forward?
Any advice would be really appreciated. I’m trying to do what’s best for my baby while also keeping myself safe.
I am already seeking legal advice but would really appreciate any advise from those who've been similar situations or experiences in the meantime